Albert Einstein on Insanity

"True insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

My Mom and Love

My Mom had open heart surgery around last August/September where my Mom took a turn for the worst and lost all her energy and her will to survive any longer. She could barely stand up and move around. I watched for six weeks as we all kept trying to push my mom into doing what her body wasn’t ready to do at the time. After awhile I started to realize how all this pushing was causing a negative set back in my mom’s healing. I then became a witness of people yelling at my Mom to try harder, or talking about how bad off she is to her and rubbing it in that it was became easy to see how my Mom’s mind and body turned to giving up all hope. I then decided to start doing something different around my mom. I did not try to push her past what she wanted to do physically anymore and then I started to let her know more and more how much Lily and I love her and need her around. One time I even curled up in front of her like I did when I was little and just laid there for a little bit. For what ever reasons shortly after the love came pouring in my Mom started to get her health back. Now she is back to full health being in everyone’s business, worrying about everything that might happen, and wanting to give give give. I joke to myself what a pain she can be now that she is healthy again, but deep down I realize how lucky I am to have a mom like her, I try to thank God as much as possible that I got my Mommy back:~)

The Bad, The Good, and The Need For a Hug Pill

• Yesterday started out in the dark morning when I was taking the dog out just after we both woke up. Shelly decided to go chasing after some deer as soon as I opened the door to the rainy cold morning. After chasing her down while we woke up a few neighbors I finally got the dog back in the house. I pretty much finished my day like I started it. When I took the dog out I decided to use a leash and as soon as I stepped in the yard I knew I stepped in smelly dog crap. Then right after that my stomach started acting up with a couple bouts of bad diarrhea right before bed. All in all it was a crappy day you could say.
• Yesterday I getting Lily off to school and then I had a good 30 minute meditation followed by a good breakfast. I was able to work out more during the day with my back feeling much better then the day before. I ate a lot of food yesterday but was smart enough to get myself to stop eating by around 5pm. This way I was finally able to have a night sleep with out my stomach feeling so full all night long. All in all it was a real good day.
• How can I have a crappy day and a real good day all on the same day? How is that possible? I think it all comes back down to attention and what I want to put my attention on. Whatever I put my attention on grows stronger, while whatever I take my attention away from diminishes. Everyday we all have bad things and good things happen to us, and it then becomes our choice on whether we have a good day or a bad day. I think that makes sense.

• Now what is making my darn stomach act up again? It seems to happen every time I come home from the Chopra Center. I will go up to two weeks with almost normal bowel movements and then it will change again. I can only come up with one difference of what it is I get out in California that I do not find at home as much. When I am at the Chopra Center the day is full of true genuine smiles on almost everyone’s face. Hugs are given out freely to just about anyone you talk to for more then one minute. There are also the truly healing hands of their massage therapist. These are all things that I do not get when I come home. The idea I think that can work is if the Chopra Center could bottle up some of that true genuine love and put it in a bottle called a hug pill. If they can just bottle that up for me then I would have everything I need back here in Pittsburgh to stay well….
• Actually since I might be waiting a long time for that pill to arrive, maybe I can use the power of being aware of those missing factors and put my attention on how do I find or replace those good positive feelings I find in California and bring them here. I need to change and take responsibility for what I decide to be my first step in finding my own hug pill. That is probably my best choice to keeping control of my health and my life…

My Aching Back and 2 Spiritual Laws

I’m reminded of two of the Seven Spiritual Laws today with the way I am feeling. The first is the Spiritual Law of Karma. Karma says that for every action there is going to be a reaction, or each cause has an effect. People think because of this that we have no control over the results, but that is not true. The Law of Karma tells us to become conscious and aware of each choice we make. Stopping my destructive habits and changing to better habits changed my outcome in the last few weeks in amazing ways. Conscious choice making says that we should listen to our heart before making a decision and only if our heart tells us that it feels like the best choice for us and those around us should we make that choice. In the last week I started out getting back into doing push ups and bar dips for some strength training. On the first day I got through two sets of 4 push ups, and yesterday somehow decided I was ready to jump those eight push ups to over one hundred. Do you think the Karma of that choice is having its effect on me today? Oh, my aching back, forget the sore chest and arm muscles, I hurt my back somehow. I have to keep reminding myself I was just 97 pounds and very sick just 3 weeks ago. I don’t have to prove anything to anybody right now, especially myself. The second Spiritual Law I think of is the Law of Detachment. That word says it all, I need to practice detachment in my life and start to have a little more trust in the outcome. I need to let myself enjoy that I have my health back. That is the most important thing right now.

How The Snowflakes Got Me Back On Track

This morning I have been running to the bathroom 4 times already with bad diarrhea. I haven’t had any of my Crohn’s disease pains, just running to the bathroom. It is a little tough to figure out why this is happenineg so I better take a look at what I might have done or not have done yesterday that set this mornings eruption off. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t get in 2 full 30 minute meditations, I seemed to fall asleep or get interrupted but I could have done better on my meditation. Yesterday I also forgot to take all my evening herbs that I have been taking, I forgot to take my flax seed oil, licorice root tea, turmeric root, and amalaki (an Ayurvedic herb.) Then in the evening I decided to eat a pint, yes a pint of cookies and cream ice cream, and a Cadbury large chocolate bar. Just to pack on an extra 1600 calories was my thinking. Do I now even have to ask myself why I was nauseous all night and then sitting on the toilet all morning?
Later on this morning I was taking the dog out and enjoying the big soft snowflakes coming down. I first decided to try and just follow one flake all the way down to the ground, and then thought I might be able to catch the same flake that I was following with my eyes. I could not catch one and decided to blame it on my blind eye and that I was only following the little flake with just one eye instead of two. I then tried to catch any flake on my arm, moving my arm all around trying to just make one flake land so I could look at it. All this effort and all this attention on one simple goal and I could not accomplish it. I finally stopped moving feeling a little frustrated when I looked down at my still arm. Wouldn’t you know that when all my hard worked stopped and I just let nature take its natural course, snowflakes started landing all over my arm. I was able to see picture perfect snowflakes and others that had different odd twist to them, but when all my effort stopped I got what I was looking for. Recently I’ve had people tell me that I am focusing too much on my weight and trying to warn me that I am losing touch with the whole picture of my wellness, but my ego wouldn’t listen to what they were saying, my defenses went up. Why do I consider myself back on track already? I believe it all comes down to awareness, I was able to become aware of yesterday and how I let my efforts fall from my meditation and herbs I am taking while I was putting most of my focus on gaining weight. Today I decided to take a lesson from the snowflakes. I can see that as long as things are working in balance, there is no need to focus on anything else right now but getting the most out of life.

Not being fooled when full...

One of the newest feelings or sensations in my body is the sensation of being full after eating a meal where the food then simply digest and leaves my stomach and I then start to get hungry again. I found myself pretty much waiting to or expecting to get sick yesterday after pigging out on some home made vegetarian chili I made just after having two Hershey bars for a snack. For many years I ate in this fashion to survive. I would first overeat; then the food would just sit and sit in my stomach for hours until it would come back up. I figured some of the food had to be getting in me this way so I had to be getting some nutrition. No doubt that feeling of being full for hours mixed in with nausea is something that had become a natural habit with me. So just yesterday while sitting still after my huge meal I became aware of something new. I felt all this food in my stomach, but it was a different feeling then in the past. I felt full, but I already felt like things were digesting and moving out of my stomach. The feeling just kept going away until I hit the point where I wanted a whole milk and fruit smoothie. This sensation gave me a satisfied feeling in my stomach and I could feel the meal being digested. It is a whole new feeling in my body that I forgot existed; I need to eat with awareness so I don’t let myself be fooled by this wonderful feeling of being full.

Trying to buy a new scale

I made it up to a store to finally get my own scale again. I was at bed bath and beyond trying to pick out a new scale. I wanted something simple but the 2 old fashion wheel spinning type scales I had in mind kept getting stuck in strange places. I stepped on the first digital scale which had me at 116.4 pounds, the next one was 121 pounds, then 118 pounds, and then one just kept showing me a backwards E. I hit the point of confusion along with thinking that all these scales seemed to be 5 to 10 pounds more then I think they should be. The weights seemed great to me but I did not believe them and there were so many different numbers for the same me. I ended up not buying any of scales not knowing which one to trust and just left the store. On the way home I did realize that I am wearing a heavy winter coat, and have my shoes on so maybe the numbers weren’t as wrong as I thought. I think next time I will go weigh myself on my parents scale and then go weigh myself on the scales again to see which ones match the one that I have been using. That seems to make the most sense, or I can just say screw it and go up to the store when ever I want get on a scale. I can have a selection of what my weight can be…

Recovery Time

My Thoughts on my recovery speed

and how I need to handle it right now.

I have to keep meditating

I did have to go to the bathroom already 3 times today but things were still much better then they were before. I will try and take a little more care today but still try to get in the calories I need to at least maintain the weight I am at for the day. ( I have gained 12 pounds in the 2 weeks) It is amazing how much less toilet paper a person uses when you don’t have bad diarrhea. I mean a tree of difference. I am still able to meditate for 30 minutes at least twice a day, but see a difference in how long the 30 minutes seem to take all of a sudden. Now even when I have a routine and no where to rush off to I find myself wanting to get up and start doing something else before I am done with my meditation. It has something to do with my mind getting over active again, and more then anything else. I think we have enough proof that over the last 5 years only one thing I quit doing always caused my health to fail, but my health always gets better when I got back on track with it, and that was my meditation practice. People here do not understand that, they want to hear about what herbs or medicines I might have been given, or what else was done to me for me to get my health back, not what simple things I did on my own to gain control again. It seems too easy for that kind of a transformation.

Today's Meditation has a group of my
favorite breathing exercises along with it.

Keeping in control of my calmness

I was driving up to the grocery store when things got a little hectic with people in a hurry coming in all directions wanting to get to where they are going at a much faster pace then I was moving at. At first my mind started to catch up with them wanting to get competitive for a spot on the road or feel anger when someone cut me off. All my past 10 ten days of peace ended just like that in a matter of seconds. It was awareness of these feelings that brought me to the answer that was best for me. It was running and hiding from all this craziness, it all became about just keeping the peace inside me. I realized I didn’t have to rush and become part of the outside world in the way it wanted me to, but I could still be part of everything going on with me under control of how I reacted to everything around me. As the day went on and more things happened that I was so used to being the trigger towards negativity, I instead chose to keep a peace with in myself. It is like my meditation was this morning where I have the gas company outside my home with jack hammer’s and equipment tearing up my whole street and creating a mess. I could have easily let it bother me to the point where I decided I couldn’t meditate, or I could take the choice of putting my focus on the inner silence that I have and spend 30 minutes enjoying that and not even really noticing the noise outside. It goes back to the ancient Ayurvedic saying “what ever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life, and what ever you take your focus away from will start to dwindle away.”


This is a video I made that you can do along with me to see a new understanding of mantra meditation that I discovered a couple days ago. (learning to let it go)

Food Give Me More Food!

I can picture the new healthy cells in my body sensing the fat calories I have been eating and just screaming out “yo, over here.” or “bring some of that fat right on over here.” For what ever reasons at this time my body is absorbing an incredible amount of food lately. I have not been nauseous or sick and in the last two days have only had one fairly normal poop each morning, (that is a change from 6-9 painful bouts per day just two weeks ago.) My diet has ranged from the good health food of an Ayurvedic Dahl and Rice to a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for dessert today… Yesterday we went to a brunch where I packed in the meal complete with strawberry mousse and a piece of cheesecake. I might be starting to push myself a little bit too much, but my body really keeps screaming for more. I’m going to take advantage of the good times and keep packing the calories in. Like I said, the cells in my body that were just hanging on at 97 pounds are screaming more food! Tomorrow I will Weigh myself to see how much I have gained so far.

Two weeks later - what am I doing!

Just two weeks ago I was packing my bags with this terrible anxiety running through my body. I had no idea if I was doing the right thing and making the right choice to travel by myself when I had such little strength. I was nervous about this whole trip and deep down I was wondering what I would do if I did not get better while I was away. I knew I wasn’t going to let myself come home still sick or even sicker then I already was. It was just two weeks ago the all the information and the energy that was making up my mind and my body was not only down to 97 pounds, but it was also ready to give up on life. In just 14 days I have gone through a healing journey that has transformed me from 97 pounds with no energy to where I am now 107 pounds and full of energy and focused on gaining 15 more pounds back. In just two weeks I have transformed active Crohn’s disease, scar tissue narrowing, and all the constant pain that goes along with that down to zero problems as of right now. Meaning no pain, basically normal bowel movements only once or twice a day, and I am able to eat all the fat calories I want… WHAT DID I DO, WHAT CAUSED ALL THIS CHANGE, is going to be the big question.

• I make sure I meditate when I wake up and before I go to bed for 30 minutes each time. Also through out the day when I become aware that I feel like I am to active to rest and take 10 minutes to sit in silence, I find time to sit for 5 to 10 minutes in silence. I need control of my active mind if I want control of my health.
• I rub Ayurvedic aroma oil into my body each evening before I meditate. Mainly I focus both my feet and gently around my ears.
• I drink licorice root tea and take an amalaki formula twice a day. Both of these are designed towards helping inflammation in my body.
• I do some yoga and some strength exercises where I am building my endurance up a little bit more each day.
• I am careful to get a big mix of all six of the flavors when eating. Sweet, sour, salty, bitter, astringent, and pungent are the flavors I try to blend in through out the day aiming for at least 1600 calories per day.
• As long as I follow the items above I seem to be able to eat just about anything. I do follow the Ayurvedic rule of eating when my hunger level is at a 2 or 3 I eat, and I stop eating at a 7 or 8. Leaving enough room in my stomach for my digestion to work at its best.

That’s it; by changing to that group of activities during the day I am able to keep my healthy state of being. This is what I consider to me perfect health. It is perfect for me right now, tomorrow I would like to see perfect health being stronger for me, but that’s tomorrow, for now my health is just the way it should be, perfect.

One Important Question from Dr David Simon

No matter how much I understand that I need to be very careful of what a medical doctor tells me, I am still under that power that I should do what the doctor orders. Isn’t that what we are told from the time we can understand anything. We need to do what the doctor orders, or whatever the doctor tells me is what will happen. Just six weeks ago I was in the hospital and basically told that I could not get my health back without powerful medications and/or my eighth surgery. I was ready to give up. I had figured 27 years of illness was enough and I just didn’t want surgery or medication, no matter what happened to me. Part of me gave up on the will to go on. Because of my parents love and support and our brain washing that I needed a real doctor to take care of me, I found myself at The Chopra Center for well being with an appointment to see Dr David Simon. This doctor’s appointment instead was different right off where instead of feeling rushed with the doctor, I was made to feel like I had all the time in the world. My doctor gave me herbs to help with my digestion and made sure that I got to a grocery store so I could start to get the right kind of calories in my body. Dr Simon also made sure I was going to get the right kind of Ayurvedic massages every day during my stay. These treatments are something so amazing I can’t even put them into words right now, but they were definitely a big part of speeding up my healing process... Six days later I had a follow-up doctor’s appointment, I needed to take time and assess how I was doing so far. I knew I got back to meditating twice a day, I was eating as much as I could with out throwing up all week, my 8 to 9 times of running to the bathroom was down to 2 to 3 times, and the most amazing thing of all, the pain from the scar tissue problem was gone, months of constant pain just gone. Asha, Dr Simon’s assistant checked my weight where I went from a sad 97 pounds all the way up to 102. It might not sound like much to you, but any word that I was not less than 100 pounds again was like a dream come true. Then I met Dr Simon with a hug and congratulations for gaining instead of losing more weight. We set a simple goal of just adding 2 pounds per week, and then all I remember from there is this one question. “Is there any part of you that does not want to get better,” and right away from somewhere inside me the word “No” came out of my mouth. I saw the look on my doctor’s face and he didn’t need to tell me the results of my health. Dr Simon’s face said it all, I knew right then that I had my health back and that everything was going to be just fine.

Day Before heading home

Yesterday I must have eaten around 3000 calories, I seemed to be hungry all day long. I've been able to do that way before I got here but there are some differences now. One is that I only had two bowel movements yesterday. Still loose and painful, but I was having 8 or more painful bouts before I got here. For years running to the bathroom first thing in the morning was always a must for me. I need an empty bathroom in the morning, I've been known to go 4 or 5 times before most people wake up in the morning. This morning after eating all that food yesterday something different happened, I haven't had to go to the bathroom yet. Somehow all that food is absorbing in to my body. So far since I have been here I have gained 8 pounds back and have a plan to keep gaining. I would like to be back to my normal old weight of 120 pounds and now actually can see that happening.
I am looking forward to getting back home and seeing my daughter Lily, I miss her so much and I think she misses her daddy also. Something I haven't let myself do in many years when I travel is eat the day before I travel and the day I travel. I figure the less in me, the less that will come out, but I don't have that fear now. I plan a full day of eating today and eating tomorrow which for me is a sign of emotional freedom.

Nice Nasty Indifferent and Poor Me

This is based off Dr Simon's talk today. There are 4 emotions or ways we react when our needs are not met. Nice, nasty, indifferent, and poor me are these 4 actions and I think mostly in that order. An example would be when my daughter Lily wants something when we are out somewhere it will almost always start out with her saying daddy can I please have that, or I’ll even pay for it myself. When I say no the reaction turns nasty with her saying something like you are so mean daddy, I hate you. When that doesn’t work she will turn to I’m never talking to you again which is indifferent. Finally when all that fails I hear I never get anything I want, no body cares about about me, or poor me. Nice nasty, indifferent and poor me are not all actions of a child. Pay attention to others and you will see it everywhere when our needs are not met.
Is there a point to understand these emotions? Well I think that once you become aware of this you don’t have to take it so personally. It just happens to be that someone has needs that are not being met and none of it has anything to do with you taking it personally. Does your child really hate you when they aren’t getting what they want, I don’t think so. When we become aware of these actions we can then learn how to not take anything negative that is said to us so personally. You can’t control how someone acts toward you, but you can control how you let it effect you. No one can make me feel anger or hatred by how they act to me, only I can let myself feel that way. If someone says I am beautiful and I don’t feel beautiful I can let myself feel anger or resentment from hearing I am beautiful, or I can take those words and feel more beautiful. That choice is up to me, I have a choice on how I react to everything that goes on in this world. I am in control of every situation and blaming someone else for making me feel a certain negative way is really just not true.

Teaching Yoga

Tonight I had a real treat. The regular yoga teacher was not feeling well and they asked me if I would teach tonight’s class. At first I was a little nervous since I haven’t had the strength to teach or do any yoga for over a month now, but something inside me told me I would be okay. Just one week ago I barely had the strength to walk down a hallway here but now I am not feeling pain and have my energy back enough to teach a Chopra Center yoga class. It almost brings me to tears… Don’t think the word miracle because I don’t believe that. I’ve worked hard to get control of my health again and I am getting what I deserve from all the positive choices I have been making. NOW, I have to give most of the credit to this change in my life to my mom and my dad. If it was not for their support and positive words they have been giving me, I wouldn’t be here right now feeling the way I do. I would be at home sick in bed or in a hospital taking morphine for my pain. When I first got here there was a part of me that wasn’t even sure I wanted to get well. I was so sick of being sick for 27 years, and now I can’t believe I ever felt that way. There is no such thing as powerless in human beings, we have that unique ability to change and start to make the right choice that can turn any problem around. This is really cool:~)

A Spider opens a door

There is an Ayurvedic saying that goes back thousands of years before the birth of Jesus that says very simply, what ever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life.
This morning while sitting on the toilet all of a sudden a spider dropped down in front of my face. My first reaction was fear and while sitting there I swatted at the spider and tried to kill it, but it was to fast and climbed back up towards the ceiling out of reach. While finishing up on the toilet I sat there staring at the spider realizing the only reason I wanted to kill it was fear from this little itty bitty thing. As I realized this my fear subsided and I left the spider in my bathroom to do what ever it had in mind in its on little world. Fear, loneliness, guilt, anger, hatred, and all those negative emotions in life that we feel also have negative reactions on our physical bodies science has learned. Our immune system lowers as blood rushes to our muscles and our digestive system stops doing its job. Our blood pressure shoots up and a whole slew of harmful chemicals get released in our body when we have these emotions. Sometimes this is good for us like when a car in front of us slams on its brakes and we need to react at super speed. Here is another example that happened to m while sitting here at 4am typing this My daughter text messaged me this morning that she was not feeling well and that my mom was fighting with her to go to school. As they are fighting the whole attention went to how Lily was feeling like she might throw up and her fear of going to the nurse. What do you think grew stronger while we went on about this subject? The answer was her sick feelings in her body and her fear. If we could have shifted her thoughts away to anything good, positive, happy or joyful Lily would have lost all contact with any sick feelings or fear. I know this because I have to deal with that myself everyday. What I put my attention on grows stronger in my life. If I put it towards those feelings of guilt and loneliness I only feel guiltier and lonelier. When I can shift my awareness away to thoughts that are just as real but are happy and positive, my ill feelings go away and I can function no matter what my health condition is. What you pick to focus on becomes your reality, and since everyone around you has their own different reality don’t expect them do understand. That is a big step in learning to take control of ones own life.

A Disgusting Story

I would like to share a story with you that I heard today in the soul of healing course. It is a story that should be told to most of the doctors I have met so far in life. I can’t remember it word for word but this is basically it. There was once a man who wanted to be trained by a famous yogi and asked he asked him if he would train him. The yogi wasn’t sure the man was ready and asked the man to answer just one question first. The yogi wanted to know what the most disgusting thing there is in this world. The man knew he only had one chance and went to search for it. He first saw a drunk sitting in an alley and thought, oh that is disgusting, but then say he saw a massive obese person eating a big plate of food and thought how disgusting that was. He then went looking around more and saw other things that really grossed him out and then he had to go have a bowel movement, or take a poop. After he was done he looked down in the toilet and saw the crap floating there and said that has to be it. That is the most disgusting thing I have seen so far. Then the poop spoke up and said to the man, excuse me, but before I met you I was this fresh loaf of bread, vegetables and rice, now look at me after meeting a person like you. The man then realized what the answer was to the question. The most disgusting thing in the world is arrogance.

Guilt and Loneliness

Sometimes it is best to not to try and figure out why things get better and change or better yet you can just write it off to the Spiritual law of Karma or cause and effect. This states that that every action I take has a reaction and as I make more and more healthy choices and make better actions toward my health, I will find the reaction or effect be better health. Two things that are much easier said then done for me, or at least for right now are dealing with loneliness and quilt. I know that if my daughter Lily was in all the same situations I was in I would do everything possible to help her, including spend every last penny I had if necessary. I understand that, but it does not stop me from the quilt that I put my parents and my brother through. I know they would do anything for me to help me out, and I realize I am blessed for that. I am 43 years old and my loved ones have watched me suffer with all these freakin health problems since I was 15. That doesn’t count the eye accident when I was 7 years old where I had my left eye poked out with a 12 foot bamboo pole thrown at me. How does someone pay back all the pain you have put the ones you love through. I don’t have an answer to that right now. The second toughest thing for me to deal with right now is loneliness, and here is my question. Is it fair to let someone fall in love with me knowing the pain I will put them through when I get sick? People always tell me that does not matter, but if I really love someone part of my love is to not let them suffer and feel pain. If someone loves me and I get sick they will feel the pain as much as I do, or a lot of even more then I do. How can that be right? It has been about 5 years since I let myself be loved by someone that is not family and there is no doubt that brings me loneliness. In fact pretty much every friend I had I pushed away from so they do not have to feel my pain at all. That sounds a lot like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I see it as the opposite. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. There is a look in the eyes of caring people that just can’t be described, but I see it as me causing pain to that person. It is not feeling sorry for myself as much as I don’t want to hurt anybody because of the situation I am in. I don’t have an answer to this right now either, but by finally releasing these deep feelings maybe I can take the first step in to finding the answers. Oh yeah, please don’t take this post as something to feel sorry for me about, look at it as though I am making a big step towards healing these problems.

How things are going so far

I’m finding myself saying wow a lot these last couple days. Problems that were not supposed to be able to just go away are either gone or I can feel it getting better. In yesterdays massage treatment it was the first time in almost a year that someone could put pressure in my lower right abdominal area and I felt no pain and no feeling of disease in my body. Also, if you remember how important I said getting myself to sit and meditate for 3o minutes will be for me, well guess what, yesterday I sat in the meditation room for an hour. I can hear my mind and my body saying thank you to my soul for getting into the act and straightening things out, but my spirit inside is laughing and saying it was always here it is just that my mind wouldn’t slow down enough for me to listen.

Deepak Chopra and David Simon have Clones

I've always said that there has to be clones of Drs Simon and Chopra. There is just no way they can do all they do. They write books, travel all over the world year round, teach their programs at the Chopra Center, meet patients, answer their emails from these patients and more... A couple days ago I heard someone say how Deepak Chopra was in Bihram (spelling probably wrong) but just hours later as I was going to meditation who do you think I run right in too. Yes, Dr Chopra himself. How could he be on another continent and be here in California? My only answer is I was right, there has to be clones of these men to get everything done that they can.
OK, I'm sure there was a real answer like Dr Chopra's plane just got in and he was here getting ready for his next trip but it was still a shock to run into him walking around. I played it cool too, I hate watching people act star stuck and it is just not in me to be that way, so as I walked by I just said a simple hello Dr Chopra, and I got a quick hello back, no more then that...

One thing that gets to me is hearing people say that the co-founders of the Chopra Center are in it only for the money. First of all they are two top specialist in the field of medicine and can make enough money that way if they chose too, but after 5 years I have witnessed over and over how it is love and care to other people that these men want to offer, the money is a side effect of that. They believe the world can and will be a better place to live in. Now they do have is a very good COO, David Greenspan. He knows how to help them make the money so they can do what they do best, help others. Next week I'll be spending 5 days with the 2 of them to get the help I need. I won't see money hungry men, but caring men who truly want to see me survive.

Sleep and Touch

There has been medical studies on how important sleep is to any person. Your body finds time to heal itself during sleep. However, there has also been test on the importance of touch. Back in the 1970's a medical school did a test on feeding rabbits all fatty foods and things that would clog their arteries just like what happens to humans. All the rabbits showed the same signs of heart disease that we get except one group of animals. When they looked closer as to why this happened the medical school found out one of the student volunteers who was feeding the rabbits also took time to cuddle and pet the rabbits. These few bunnies had no signs of heart disease like the others in the test. Therefore medicine had to admit that touch did make a difference when it came to staying healthy.
Two things I am getting the most out here so far is sleep and lots of hugs and massage treatments. So if you asked me if I feel better since I got here, the answer is no doubt Yes!
The bad news, I can't lie to you and say it is all good news, the bad news is that my body dosen't absorb fat and the calories I am taking in so well which is causing nausea and running to the bathroom. Huh, I wonder if that is why they call it the runs:~)
Remember it is only day 3 out here so far, I have a lot of confidence that I can turn my health around at this point...

Days Confused and Listening to my Soul

I was so sure when I woke up that it was Friday, but after awhile I figured out I was wrong. It is the feeling of gaining an extra day in my life.
WHAT am I learning so far? I think the main thing so far is that it is time to quit thinking about past bad experiences with my Crohn's disease or what might happen in the future, but to let myself finally put some trust back in the present moment. If I listen to my body and what it needs right now, I am starting to find healing much easier.
So far this morning I even had a little strength to do some yoga, very little but my body wanted it so I gave it to my body. I think that is called listening to your soul for the answers. The final result might not be what my mind wants to see, but trust in my soul will bring back to control of my health. Wow, that is even a little deep for me:~)

Dr Simon Appointmentand massage

Today was a much better day then yesterday. Well, I did weigh only 97 pounds, I am officially a 97 pound weekend. Dr Simon is helping me gain 15 pounds before I go home, if I can get 1600 calories in me a day. He even had someone take some time off work to take me to an organic grocery store to load up on certain foods. (I need fat in me)
I was also given doctors orders to stay away from the computer for a couple days and concentrate on my health. I had a 70 minute Ayurvedic massage which was incredible, and I made it through a 30 minute of meditation. I was also given doctors orders not to miss any of the meditations while I am here. I can't say enough how important meditation is going to be in me gaining my health back!

Sitting by the pool

I was walking around today trying to get some strength. My biggest problem right now is I get get myself to eat that much food. My weight today with my sweatshirt on was 102 pounds. That is hard to accept, but I don't really have a choice.

My Room and the Robes at La Costa

Okay I can add video's now, it just takes awhile!

The robe story at La Costa

I made it here!

Yesterday was a long ass day. I finally made it to La Costa Resort at around 9:30 pm which is 12:30 am at home. The whole time traveling I had the same feeling of going through withdrawl from narcotics when I come out of the hospital, but it ended when I got into my room. I had trouble sleeping, but found myself just glad to be in a bed. This morning I went to the Chopra Center and found a nice chair in their library to relax. Witin a few minutes someone came in and brought me tea and a blanket because I looked cold. I never met this person before, but she decided to help me out, and I am thankful. After that I felt like crying because it just felt so good to be here. I did miss meditation this morning but spend and hour sitting in the library curled in a chair thinking about what to do next for my wellness.
BTW - My internet connection is bad and I can not add my videos yet.

Last Post Until I get to California

Sunday is the day for Pure Potential

I was supposed to go to the Chopra Center at the start of December when my parents and I decided I was to weak to travel and I went into the hospital instead. There was not much that could be done for me at the hospital so I then decided to find the strength to go back to The Chopra Center. Two more times I changed my plans and now once again have a departure date. Finally I feel like I am ready to go and see what can be done for me. The anxiety I was feeling before has turned into more of an excitement. I know it will be a long day of travel, but I do truly believe it will all be worth it. I want to be able to come home and feel like taking Lily skiing, and then actually take her skiing. That would be pure potential to me...

Today's Event is Upside down

I just want to do at least one different thing everyday. Today I was able to meditate for 30 minutes, give myself an oil massage (great this time of year,) and I found myself upside down by the fireplace...


This is not part of the regular Ayurvedic Program:~)

1-4-2007 My Health Now

The Before images that I hope
will be much improved in 20 days.

2 Days Before Leaving For California

A little more feeling sorry for myself...

I added the picture of me to the blog that I am not sure I can handle. I want to be 20 pounds heavier then that picture. I had a little bit of the “what ifs” today. Like what if the 18th of January rolls around and I am not doing better. I am not going to come home and just be sick at home and will not go to a hospital, so what happens if…. I guess I don’t have to have an answer to that one right now. BTW when the snow melts off the trampoline I will show you some real flips. Healthy videos might be a little easier when I hit Southern California. All I can say is I turned things around before and have seen so many people control terrible illness that I know there is no reason why I can’t find the proper balance once again. I’ll leave my question for my new doctors David Simon and Deepak Chopra.

THE TRAMPOLINE AND A FLIP

I promised one video of me doing something healthy
and stimulating every day. The Goal today is some kind of a flip!

I wasn't thinking about the snow when I made this my goal:~)

An action for getting me going in the right direction

This is an idea I have that I want to add to my list of things
to do that will help me reverse the disease in my body right now.

Acceptance

The more I start to accept the way my health is right now, the more I can start to do the right things in getting my health back. These last couple of days has been better with me moving around a lot more then usual. However, I do get really worn out by mid-afternoon and try to get a nap if possible. I don’t like the idea of putting this in print but my weight is down to about 105 pounds. I was probably around 11 years old when I was last this weight. I have a goal of gaining around 10 pounds while I am at the Chopra Center and I should be able to get back to around the 120-125 pounds that I was most of my life, but then again maybe I am just too attached to wanting to be that weight again, I am missing a few feet of intestine now... I’m started to get packed and pretty excited about leaving in just a few days. I read in one of my past journal entries of how just getting into my hotel room and on the grounds of La Costa resort can make me feel a lot better, I really can't wait.

4am nonsense on Intention and Detachment:~)

Can't sleep in the middle of the night;
What else but video my nonsense to the world...

Intention needs Detachment

Understanding Dr Simon's Advice - 5 years late!

As much as I talk about being in the present moment, the Seven Spiritual Laws also will not let us forget about our Intentions and Desires, which is the 6th spiritual law in my yoga practice. There is a saying that goes something like this. If you want to get something more in your life, put more attention towards it, and if you want to get something out of your life withdrawal your attention from it.
With the pain I am in and the scar tissue and active Crohn’s problem right now, it seems that I need to put my focus on certain areas of my body that I want healed. Especially when dealing with pain, the more I can zoom in on the spot of pain, the more I can release the pain that is in me. On the other hand the active disease and other problems I am dealing with are things that I also want to get out of my life and the Law of Intention would tell me to withdrawal my focus from all this things that I have been focusing so much on. In my past doctors appointments with Dr Simon he has always told me that I put too much focus on my health problems. At first it was with my Crohn’s disease where he would tell me to quit thinking so much about the problems I am having but focus more on the good choices I can make that will bring my mind, my body, and my spirit back into a balance. According to Ayurveda this is a balance that is unique to me and my mind-body type or my Dosha. After my Crohn’s got under control I started to put my focus on my seizures and spend way to much time trying to figure out how I could stop taking my medication. Still today if I let my dilantin level get too low I will have a grand mal seizure in my sleep and wake up in the emergency room or twice I even woke up in the intensive care unit. That is a whole other story on practicing Dr. Simon’s Commitment to Acceptance for the way things are right now.
Where is all this leading me to? I am discovering that as I go along here that there is no catch 22 like I thought at first. At this moment I can see myself putting a lot of attention on my problems, but very little on actually doing the right choices to get me headed in the right direction. So far up to this date this blog has been full of information on what is wrong with my health now, what was wrong with my health in the past and what I should be doing in the future. Very little I have said has had to do with what actions I am accomplishing to bring my Dosha back into balance. What I thought were the things I needed to put my attention and intention on is really the stuff I should not focus on. I need to start to focus on making and accomplishing the right choices for me, right now. It took me almost 5 years to understand what Dr Simon kept telling me, but I think I finally get it and am willing to start. Sounds like a good time to go to some yoga.