Guilt and Loneliness

Sometimes it is best to not to try and figure out why things get better and change or better yet you can just write it off to the Spiritual law of Karma or cause and effect. This states that that every action I take has a reaction and as I make more and more healthy choices and make better actions toward my health, I will find the reaction or effect be better health. Two things that are much easier said then done for me, or at least for right now are dealing with loneliness and quilt. I know that if my daughter Lily was in all the same situations I was in I would do everything possible to help her, including spend every last penny I had if necessary. I understand that, but it does not stop me from the quilt that I put my parents and my brother through. I know they would do anything for me to help me out, and I realize I am blessed for that. I am 43 years old and my loved ones have watched me suffer with all these freakin health problems since I was 15. That doesn’t count the eye accident when I was 7 years old where I had my left eye poked out with a 12 foot bamboo pole thrown at me. How does someone pay back all the pain you have put the ones you love through. I don’t have an answer to that right now. The second toughest thing for me to deal with right now is loneliness, and here is my question. Is it fair to let someone fall in love with me knowing the pain I will put them through when I get sick? People always tell me that does not matter, but if I really love someone part of my love is to not let them suffer and feel pain. If someone loves me and I get sick they will feel the pain as much as I do, or a lot of even more then I do. How can that be right? It has been about 5 years since I let myself be loved by someone that is not family and there is no doubt that brings me loneliness. In fact pretty much every friend I had I pushed away from so they do not have to feel my pain at all. That sounds a lot like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I see it as the opposite. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. There is a look in the eyes of caring people that just can’t be described, but I see it as me causing pain to that person. It is not feeling sorry for myself as much as I don’t want to hurt anybody because of the situation I am in. I don’t have an answer to this right now either, but by finally releasing these deep feelings maybe I can take the first step in to finding the answers. Oh yeah, please don’t take this post as something to feel sorry for me about, look at it as though I am making a big step towards healing these problems.