Keeping Control of My Health - A Chopra Center Wellness Story

A way to control your karma

2008-07-30T09:39:00.001-04:00

In my last post I said how when I get sick I can look back at the choices I made and see why I am sick again. I also wanted to make clear that is not how I try to live. Sometimes bad things will happen and I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out what choices I made that made something so bad happen, or worse let myself feel guilty because of my past choices. Isn't that how karma works? If you want to exist without much control over your life then that is a good way to look at karma, but it is not how it has to be looked at.

When I let myself become aware of my present situation that is the moment the power of karma now takes over. If I become aware that I am not meditating or calming my mind down enough for me to stay healthy, I now can start to use karma or conscious choice making and control what happens next. I could just become aware of it but stick to the way things have been and the karma will obviously be me getting sick. I could also let myself become more aware of each choice I make picking only the actions that feel like they are good actions and I will get strong again. It was the same situation with two different outcomes because I slowed down enough to let myself become aware of my present situation. So instead of using karma to waste our time looking back at why we are in this situation, karma can become a powerful tool in life that lets us control where we want to go.

Choices for gaining your health

2008-07-29T07:37:00.002-04:00

When I am teaching someone a yoga class and they can’t go that far into a pose because of tight muscles I say to them, “When was the last time you focused on stretching those muscles.” Usually I hear things like a long time, or never, and that is okay with me. I do think what is more of a big deal is that they thought they should be going all the way into the pose in the first place. I let my students try to understand that they are exactly where they should be in the pose; the pose is perfect for them at that moment. Now a few deep breaths while focusing on the tight muscles will create a new perfect as they slide further into the pose.
I thought I could use that theory when I have to get control of my health again. I’ll look back at how much I’ve actually put into making the healthy choices that help me keep my health and can usually see what choices I made that made my health slip. Just like my breath I can start to focus on making the right choices and I will witness myself slide right back into good health.
Here’s why this works for me. I break up a day and say on average there is 16 hours of the day that I am awake. If I meditate twice a day for 30 minutes, do yoga twice a day for about an hour each, and eat healthy meals during the day that would be about 4 hours of focusing on the right choices for dealing with whatever my major problem is. That might not sound bad because that is a lot of yoga and meditation; mixed in with the right foods I should be healthy again in no time, but jump back to thinking about what I said about 16 waking hours.
If my health goes bad again and I think that only 4 out of 16 hours are going to bring my health back, I am only fooling myself. I need to be careful not to focus on my bad health and focus on the choices I make to get my health back. I also need to do this at least 15 of the 16 hours that I am awake. Almost every choice I make needs to be made with the thought “is this the best choice for me right now.”
I guess I also have another choice when I am having problems, I can always let myself think this is the way it is and I’ll just have to learn to live with it. That choice is a downward spiral into more problems. Trust me, I know..

Feeling good makes me feel selfish

2008-07-16T09:38:00.001-04:00

The more I help other people, the more I help myself. That thought makes me feel selfish or guilty. Selfish and guilt because I help others doesn’t really make sense to me, so I thought I would ponder on it for a little bit. Selfish and guilt to me are part of my ego. The ego is the “I” or “mine” part of my life, and the part of my mind that attaches itself to things. What part of helping others makes me feel guilty or selfish? I know I have spend most of my life on the receiving end of the helping others in life, giving is something new to me, but not something that I think would make me feel guilt or selfish. It is such a good feeling when I know that I am helping someone who needs help and then somewhere at that point of feeling good I turn it around and make it a negative feeling. Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve to feel good when I help someone else. It should be like doing work or doing a deed without expecting anything in return, but I get flooded with warmth and the feeling like I did something good. If I look at it that way I guess I can see where guilt and feeling selfish can come in, but that is not what I want. I am doing what feels natural to me when I help someone else, and my natural actions makes me feel good. If it happens to help others that is great, but I can also see how letting myself feel good about doing what seems natural as something good. Problem Solved.

One year ago

2008-07-15T06:09:00.003-04:00

It was 5 years ago this month that I started to convince myself that eating and then throwing up was normal. At least as far as what was real to me, vomiting daily was a part of life. I checked myself out of the hospital realizing that if I was going to stay alive it was going to be up to me. I figured the best way would be was to just accept that throwing up my meals was going to be part of life, quit fighting it I thought. That is when I was lucky enough that the energy and information of the internet threw me some good info where I learned about a place called The Chopra Center for wellbeing. It was 5 years ago that I decided to give something that I thought was a little weird a chance. It was after just 3 days at The Chopra Center that I started a 10 day streak of not throwing up anymore. I showed myself that being sick did not have to be normal. After getting sick again I had to try what I thought was helping me and I went back the next month in September of 2003 and the same thing happened where the food I ate actually stayed in me. I guess the best lesson I can learn from that is to realize that what is real and normal for me today, doesn’t have to be that way tomorrow. How I view things, my choices, and my will to survive can in the blink of an eye change my life for the better.

Doing Yoga While Grocery Shopping

2008-06-16T07:43:00.001-04:00

I heard a story about a man who was lost at sea in a raft for nearly 3 months. He was able to catch all the fish he wanted, and he ate it raw. After some time he could not get himself to eat anymore of the fish meat, but other parts were starting to look good to him. The man started eating the skin of the fish, the eyes, the liver, and other internal organs.
There is only so much nutrition in just the meat of the fish, not enough to keep a person alive. So at this desperate point of survival this guy’s brain was telling him where the vitamins and minerals were that he needed. Something made the fish eyes and raw liver look good; the mind was telling the body what it needed to survive without him being aware of it.
A new way of grocery shopping can come from this story, we can call it yoga shopping. I know it sounds weird to try this, but I bet you end up with a much lower grocery bill. Next time you go to the grocery store do not go on your usual route through the store. Walk around for a bit and see if you can connect with the right sensations with the food you pick. If it doesn’t seem right, put it back! Organic Ice Cream might work because we need the calcium, your body might be craving the proteins meat has to offer, but remember to grab these items because it feels right, not because old ways of shopping and thinking are telling you to select it.
Also don’t grab anything just because it is faster and easier to cook, make the cooking part of the meal just as nourishing for you as the eating part. Add the little extra touches that seem right to add and make each meal a special treat, and remember to cook and eat with awareness. No television, magazines, or newspapers.

My body eating itself..

2008-06-15T07:12:00.001-04:00

I watched a show on the Discovery Channel last night about the human brain being pushed to its limits. It was a great show because it made the complex physiology understandable for everyone. It helped me understand what my body and mind were going through at the end of last year when I decided starving myself was better then going to the hospital over and over and getting CAT scans, tubes up my nose, needles stuck everywhere, and worst dealing with doctors. Even though it was not the smart choice somehow I decided not eating was the best way for me to survive. My mind went into emergency mode and decided that I was going to still get my nutrients, but it was by consuming my own body. It started eating what little fat I had and went on to breaking apart the proteins in my body by taking the nutrition from my muscles. This went on until the start of 2008 when I stepped on a scale and it showed I was at a weight that I haven’t seen since I was around 12 years old. I had to face what was happening.
Thank God I decided that I am not ready to die and that my body living off itself was not the answer. When I started eating again food that was making me sick became healthy pleasures that my body soaked up. New items like organic yogurt smoothies have become part of my everyday life while yoga and exercise have built my muscle back. It is amazing how we can go into these survival modes when things hit the worst of times and we think it is all over. I am reminded of Deepak Chopra’s words about how are life is like the weather. Sometimes there are terrible storms with major devastation and destruction that takes place. But we can trust one thing about the storm; it will come to an end. We will rebuild from the worst of storms while getting to enjoy some sunshine.

Feeling Our Restrictions

2008-06-14T16:34:00.005-04:00

When I look at the actions I make that are still not good for my health, I let my ego step in and tell myself I will change and improve taking away the feelings I had for a second about not choosing something good for myself. As soon as I told myself I would change I am more at ease without ever having to feel the sensations brought on by my original thought.
I’m learning recently that an important factor in actually keeping my health is to let go of my ego wanting to make everything better and just spend some time being aware of my unhealthy ways. I let the feelings of what I am doing sink in while looking at how my automatic choices are destructive and keeping me from a strong healthy life. At this time I will not make any choices to change, but I will just let my body feel the restrictions.
It seems like this would be easier then telling myself that I will take action and change, but it’s the opposite way with me. Just being aware and accepting my faults let me face my demons without my tough ego making up excuses. I get the chance to see how these demons or bad habits are keeping me from being where I want to be. Once it sinks in deep I can start to look at all the different choices that are available to me, the healthy choices.

Do I really accept?

2008-06-12T07:36:00.001-04:00

I have been doing some deep thinking on the thought of acceptance for the reason that there has been something about accepting that has been bothering me for several months now. I believe I can take responsibility for my actions or even for my condition at a point in time, but I am not sure I can say I accept where I am. I can’t accept but am willing to take responsibility almost sounds moronic now that I type it out and look at it. Instead I see my ego getting in the way of me thinking I don’t accept a certain situation when deep down I must have if I am taking steps to change things around. Maybe I don’t like the situation I am in, but I do accept it so I can make my life better.
Part of dealing with acceptance is to spend time witnessing and becoming aware of the restrictions that are going on in our bodies. As I was doing this I started to realize that my biggest restriction is not about bad habits or toxins I take into my life, but is about a fear I have. It is the fear of becoming a successful person, a person actually able to support myself and a family. Too many times my health destroyed any success I was gaining that I’m not sure I can accept the thought that yes I can be a successful person and what has happened in the past is just that, the past. I feel like I can take steps to move in the direction of success, but not sure I can accept it. Yes I can see how that sounds dumb, but it is the way I feel right now. Should I look at my ego to see if that has anything to do with it? No, maybe just all my experiences added up have let itself become this real thought of not being able to accept success and happiness.
So how can I change this way of thinking? The change actually becomes a lot easier now because of my most powerful tool, awareness. Now that I am aware of my fear I can start to let myself change my views. I can take things one step at a time instead of trying to look ahead at the big picture that scares me, and then as my new experiences change, so will my reality.

Video - Commit to Freedom

2008-06-09T08:23:00.005-04:00

I was playing around with making a video yesterday based on

The Chopra Center's 10 Commitments.

Control your health by committing to freedom

teaching yoga and an inspiration

2008-05-29T09:30:00.003-04:00

Last night I taught a yoga class to about 20 people at a fitness club. All of the students were women and 16 of them were the image of what you see on most fitness club ads. They all seemed to be more flexible, had better balance, and were stronger then me. I was there to teach them a class a class based on a flexibility, balance, and strength. 3 of the other students were around my age who and were taking their first yoga class. Then there was 1 woman who was at least as old as my mom, but probably older. It is hard to tell because my mom looks so good for her age. It was a big class filled with a blend of many different expectations and that made me a little nervous. I decided to do what has been working and not change a thing about the way I teach, I was going to do what I do best. It may have been a little too stress reducing for a couple of the people, but most people had that look on their face at the end of class, it was a smile and a look of peace.

Looking back at the class today there is one person who sticks in my mind the most, her name is Jean. You think I might say she was a beautiful young lady, but there must be something wrong with me because the face that stands out most is the one elderly woman. She was an inspiration to me on how she fit right in with all the much younger women, and then after the class she looked at the calendar on the wall to see what silver sneakers classe she could come to this morning with folks her age. Age didn’t seem to matter to Jean, she had a big smile that made it look like she was just having fun in life. If that is not an inspiration, I don’t know what is.

My Religion Saves My Foot

2008-05-26T21:36:00.003-04:00

Once in a while I start to question myself about my religious beliefs and wondering if they have changed from what I was raised to believe. My whole life I have strongly believed in this one and only God in the heavens above, but in the last five years I have looked more inward towards my heart when I need to find an answer. I try and find God within instead of up above, which makes me ask myself the question about my beliefs changing.Tonight I was pulling the comforter off my bed to change the sheets when all of a sudden there was a loud thunk of a 15 pound curling weight I had on my bed. This solid metal weight landed so close to my foot that I could feel the cold metal next to my foot. Instantly my hands came to my heart, I looked up, and I said thank you Lord! I got my answer to the question, what’s within myself is just a little sparkle of what I see above:~)

Yoga Pose Challenge while learning ego control

2008-05-25T18:44:00.002-04:00

Can anybody beat my time? This is a contest to help me learn more about my ego. Too much ego can be very damaging and I want to make sure I can keep it under control.
You can send a video reply to enter the challenge.

Expectations from a hug

2008-05-21T08:22:00.001-04:00

My daughter Lily was having a bad morning today. Her school project didn’t save on the computer at home so she did not have a complete assignment that was due today. We argued about how I thought she was not going to be killed by her teacher at school today. I also let her know my feelings about waiting until this morning to try and print this out. Lily was bummed out and before we left for school I decided to give her a hug. When I hugged her she pushed me away and grabbed her stuff for school. I was mad, I tried to make her day better and she shrugged me off. She knew I was mad and acted like she didn’t care; I was not going to talk to her the whole way to taking her and her friend to school. On the way a thought hit me, it even made me smile at myself. I realized I wasn’t mad at Lily, but mad because things didn’t go the way I wanted them to go. I wanted this upset child to take my hug, feel better, and say “thank you dad, you’re the best dad in the whole world.” I think my expectations were a little too high there, in fact when it comes to giving a hug there shouldn’t be any expectations. I’m sorry that something Lily worked so hard on got lost, but I am also happy that she is not afraid to release her feelings like she can around me. We got to school and as she got out I made sure I turned and gave her a smile and said “have a good day.” Lily slowly looked up at me with a look that said she was sorry, smiled, and said “bye.” Sometimes when we don’t get what we want, we end up with more then what we expected.

New Weight - New Picture

2008-05-20T19:46:00.002-04:00

5-20-2008

A gain of 22 pounds

in a little over 4 months:~)

A master and a failure

2008-05-17T20:14:00.001-04:00

It took me years to understand what the difference was between change and transformation but I can not understand the power of attention or intention. There are lots of books and seminars that teach about how you can achieve every kind of success with the powers of attention and intention, but for me I always seem to be the opposite. An example is my weight recently I wanted so much to keep gaining weight. I put all my intention on getting on a scale every day and focusing on how I could make it keep going up. It became hard work and every little time I lost a little weight I would get upset. It wasn’t worth it and I finally decided to stop trying so hard and stay away from the scale. Since I felt strong and my health has been good why worry anymore. I wanted to learn how to accept where I was at and realize things weren’t that bad. I even got Dr Simon to agree that 10 pounds lighter then what we decided on was good enough. I told him that for all I know I have had 10 pounds of intestine cut out of me and maybe 115 pounds now is like 125 pounds we were hoping for me. Now everything was good again and I didn’t feel like I had to try to gain any more weight. Last night after a long day of trying all the different groceries I bought in the morning I wanted to step on a scale. I didn’t think I lost any weight; after all I was eating all day. I looked down at the scale and was shocked when the scale showed my weight at 121 pounds. Its been about 15 years since I was at a weight like this, this is what I weighed when I did gymnastics. When I took my attention away from my goal, I gained weight. This same thing happens when I put my attention on my Crohn’s disease and wanting to male the problems go away. All my attention on the disease seems to make it act up. I may be a master in change and transformation, but I am a failure when it comes to the powers of intention and attention.

Over active mind and being selfish

2008-05-16T09:35:00.003-04:00

I was getting ready to teach a yoga class, but I felt everything was just on overactive. My mind, my body, and every other person I came across so far that day. Everything was just about a notch or two above stable, and now I had the chance to change that with how I chose to teach that yoga class. I decided that before we even got started that we should just sit and close our eyes. I said that we should just try and take this little bit of time during the day to not let ourselves think of anything from the past or anything that we might have to do later on, but just relax and notice the moment. I wanted to know how did my body feel, and how did my mind feel. Was I ready to teach a calming stress free class? It was a couple minutes that we all ended up sitting there with our eyes closed, but when we started to move the class seemed to flow with effortless ease. After the class one of the people in the class told me how amazed they were on how active her mind was. She thought she was already in a quiet state of mind, but my class showed her a new view of stillness.
Sometimes I wonder if my teaching yoga isn’t selfish. I know the experience will be healthy and positive for me, and I understand how I can keep my health by giving the lessons of good health to others. I am doing it to help me keep my health with the image that I am helping others, that is selfish. Maybe image is the wrong word to use. How about I am helping others and because I give so much, my gift that I get in return is good health.

Energy and Information

2008-05-12T20:07:00.001-04:00

I was having trouble connecting to my wireless internet this morning and it was starting to drive me crazy. My computer was showing that the internet was at very good strength. When I looked further at my wireless connection I found that somewhere in my room was also the invisible energy of something called happy network, sheila123, fawqaz, and belkin54g all with a lock on its energy so I couldn’t do anything with it, but it was in my room along with my own Linksys connection or energy. What good is all this invisible energy that is invading my room, and what does it need to take it past an invisible wave of pure potential to something we can call matter? Well for my own Linksys energy that was in my room I had my computer with the connection to the energy or the internet. My computer has the software that allows me to use an internet browser where I can type in the information of a web site address and from there I can view and experience the world. What the energy or the internet needed was the right information.
I actually have a point to all this because if we allow ourselves to realize what we call a body and a mind is actually made up of nothing more then the same invisible energy like the wireless internet floating around my room. Our senses of sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound is one thing that gives us the information that allows us to see the energy the way we do in a material way. Just like typing in a new web site address we can change our present and future by just starting to become aware of the choices or the information we add to our energy. We have control over the information our body takes in by the food we eat, the exercise we get, and all our choices to how we want to react to things around us. I think this view is the secret when it comes to being those few percent that are in a placebo study and get better just from the information that they were given and not anything to do with any real drug. This understanding is how we can be the one that takes control of our life again and keep control.

Yoga and The Spiritual Law of Giving and Receiving

2008-05-10T18:44:00.001-04:00

In the Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga that I teach, Giving and Receiving wants us to become aware of how our physical body is in constant exchange with the body of the universe. The simple explanation is paying attention to our breath as the air flows in and flows out. Think about the food we eat and how it becomes part of our body and the water we take in makes up as much as 80% of our body. There really is no solid body but an ever flowing exchange with everything around us. My favorite saying about the spiritual law of giving and receiving is “Because our body, our mind and the universe are in constant exchange, stopping the flow of energy is like stopping the flow of blood.” When blood stops flowing it begins to clot or a river that stops starts to become stagnate. Keeping aware of how everything is connected to me makes me feel more like every action I make can and does have a strong impact on the world.

In yoga practice for this day giving and receiving ask us to move through the day with full awareness. Understanding how the best way to prepare for any moment is to be fully conscious in the present. In our yoga practice we ask ourselves what our the consequences of each movement and each choice we make. The part that makes it yoga for me is that in giving and receiving we are asked to listen to our hearts for the right answers. If it is a good choice we will have a comfortable feeling where we know we are doing the right thing.

The Power of Giving and Receiving

2008-05-09T07:01:00.000-04:00

If I want to feel better when things are not going quiet right I have learned to give. Since I don’t have much money it makes it easier for me to understand how to do this in a non-monetary way. At the grocery store I might pull a cart out and give it to the person behind me, a smile and hold the door open for someone is a great way to give. When I am driving and other drivers are driving like crazy I find the time to slow down and let someone ahead of me who for a reason needs to be in such a hurry. Giving with out expecting anything in return is a great way to turn a bad day around and make myself feel better. It also seems that when I start to give I will also notice how often someone is trying to do the same kind of giving to me. Letting myself accept these gifts can sometimes be a lot tougher then giving sometimes. If an older woman holds a door open for me I might let myself feel bad or rush to get through the door instead of just taking the time to smile and say thank you. There is a power in giving and receiving that is very healing to my mind, body, and spirit. Modern science would show us that when we give with out expecting to receive there is a chemical release in our body that is more powerful them any medication we can get for helping things like pain and heart disease. The best part is that these chemicals are they don’t have any bad side effects like we would get from medications for these problems. Try taking a breath in and hold it until you start to feel uncomfortable while not letting yourself give any of the air back, and then blow out all your breath and hold it while not letting yourself receive any air. That is the same uncomfortable feeling that builds in us if we don’t do the simple task of giving and receiving during our day. Look people in the eyes today and smile, I promise only good things will come of it. Let people do for you instead of saying no thank you and you will also get those same good feelings.

A new day of choices

2008-05-06T06:05:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had a day where it seemed like every other car and everything someone said to you got on your nerves? Well that was my day yesterday, a day of aggravation. I was meditating last night and ended up laughing at myself for the day I had yesterday. I couldn’t find any peace during the day and I decided to take it out on the world, boo hoo, poor me:~)
It was such a beautiful day out and all I wanted to do was feel anger. Why? I wish I had a good answer but I don’t. I didn’t have much strength and lost some of my weight that I worked so hard to gain, maybe that was part of it. Meditation or just sitting quietly for 30 minutes let me become aware of my actions which led to me laughing at myself. I laughed because I knew I had a choice of my actions and I was choosing the wrong actions, but from the moment I became aware of the pain I was inflicting on myself and others I was able to change how I will react to everything. Awareness is a powerful thing, but I had to slow my mind down enough for me to be able to recognize what I was doing.
Today is going to be another beautiful day and I will be a different person then I was yesterday because I want to be. My actions not only affect myself but all those around me and I am sorry for that. Today is mother’s day, a day we can all celebrate. I’m pretty sure that everyone on this planet is either a mother or at least was born by a mommy. Today is a new day where all the choices of how I react to things are up to me. I control what I want to get out of this day thanks to awareness and my choices.

returning back to Pittsburgh

2008-05-04T07:06:00.001-04:00

It was a relaxing trip to the Chopra Center with the only thing for me to plan was my daily massage and the meditation. The first day there I was asked to lead the group in the 30 minute meditation which was an honor for me. United airlines and the Denver airport is a different story that I don’t want to get in to right now. After the first day there my bowel movements went from 7 or more times a day to only once. I don’t know why I am only glad that it happened. It does seem like a far way to go for a natural dose of pepto bismol or immodium.
What comes next in my life I am not exactly sure at this moment, but I would like to make something to do with helping others. I am good at it, and if you just look around there are many who could benefit from what I know.

Fighting least effort: part 2

2008-04-26T15:13:00.001-04:00

Fighting Least Effort: part 2
I am looking at this trip to the Chopra Center more as a preventative medicine journey then a “oh I’m so sick and I need help” kind of a trip. It is an action that I think is moving with least effort. I am not going to let myself get to that point hopefully anymore if I can understand the flow of least effort. Let’s say my eye sight is getting worse and I need a new prescription, but decide to ignore the problem. That is fighting least effort just like it would be if I am starting to notice that problems are starting to brew in my gut and just go on like there is nothing happening, waiting while things deteriorated. People fight least effort all the time in jobs that they don’t like, or in a relationship that deep down they know is not right, it is a postponement of what is sure to come when you fight least effort. I do not know why when I come home from these Chopra Center trips I let things get all crazy again, but I do know I have control over whether I let it get to the point that it affects my life.
Home to me feels like when I used to ride a trail bike years ago there would be deep ruts that were left behind because of people riding in the same path over and over again. I would try to keep out of the deep ruts but seem to always slip back in. It is a constant fight to stay out of the negative ruts we have built over the years, but the more and more we become aware that we are making that wrong choice and replace it with a better choice the sooner better and stronger ways will begin to be created, I hope:~)

Fighting Least Effort

2008-04-25T18:56:00.001-04:00

It was right around this time last year towards my birthday that I noticed the first pain that I knew so well from past experience. It was the pain in my lower right quadrant of my belly telling me that things were not moving like they should, a partial blockage. I didn’t want to accept this was happening and I ignored it at first. Then all through last summer and into the fall I let myself deteriorate telling myself that this couldn’t be happening to me again, after all I’m the teacher, the yogi, the one who has control over my health.
Stating in October I was ending up in the hospital every few weeks. In over 20 years I never had a CAT scan for my Crohn’s disease and now all of a sudden I had 6 scans in just 3 months, I’m betting they must have some new equipment that needs paid for. Some how at this point I made myself think that not eating was the best choice, it at least seemed a better choice then the partial blockage and the hospital. I mean if I didn’t eat anything solid, nothing could get blocked. I did not want to give up and knew my best chance was in California at the Chopra Center for well being. It is what has worked in the past…
The first time I was supposed to go out to the Chopra Center I had to pick the emergency room instead of the airport. I made it another 4 weeks and got to The Chopra Center weighing in at 97 pounds. Dr. Simon hurt my feelings a little bit by calling me an official 97 pound weakling, but those were also the words that made me want to show him. That was the point I finally started to accept my situation for what it was and the direction it was heading. I started to move in the direction of least effort. I got a list of good healthy things that I would be doing all day long for the next 10 days while staying at The Chopra Center and La Costa Resort.
Today I have that same problem just starting all over again; My mind is so active I have trouble meditating for just a few minutes let alone 30 minutes twice a day. My mind is an active mess and my body will soon follow if I don’t do something about it. I have decided to do what I should have done last year and go back to the Chopra Center for a 4 day retreat before things get out of hand. Now at 116 pounds I am 19 pounds heavier then I was just 3 ½ months ago when I was last out there. Meditation, yoga, and massage is going to be my reset button to keeping my health.

That is not an option

2008-04-21T06:54:00.002-04:00

There were a few times that I was in the hospital over the last 27 years when my health got so bad that the doctor in charge of my health told my parents that they should be prepared that I might die. My dad who is the kind of person who is used to being the boss made sure he let the doctor, and the hospital know that death was not an option for me. I always managed to pull through to the point that I could leave the hospital with out anyone fearing my death. I’ve inherited that drive from my father in different ways that have helped me reach my goals when the odds were heavily against me. I like to view the impossible as being there to stop other people who don’t have the drive and they leave the door open for me. When I hear there is only a 10% probability of me doing something I feel happy because I know it can be done, and chances are I’ll be in that 10%. I mean someone has to be.
I also have to give credit to a gymnastic coach I had many years ago. People would tell me that I couldn’t do a trick because I am blind in one eye. My coach didn’t buy into that thought and when everyone went to the dairy mart for lunch he would make me stay behind until I could do what I wasn’t supposed to be able accomplish. I was a kid who wanted to go eat lunch and be with my friends so I always found a way to learn the trick pretty quick. There are even times I know when I am going to be doing something and working with people before they even know that it is going to happen. I see more then one, two or even three ways to accomplish my goals. The trick is to keep finding ways until I get what I want. When I hear something is going to take me away from my dream, I simply think of my dad’s words and say, “That is not an option.”

Don't Give Up!

2008-04-11T09:09:00.001-04:00

In January of this year I was at a point where I talked to my parents about signing a do not resuscitate letter so I can finally die. I felt like everyone around me would be better off in the long run if I was not suffering anymore and needing their help. I was down all the way to 97 pounds when I made it out to the Chopra Center and all I knew was I didn’t want to be at home anymore in the shape I was in, and the direction I was going. Changes were made in my daily routine along with my eating habits. I started meditation twice a day for 30 minutes each time, and got daily massages to help me turn things around both mentally and physically.
My point to this is to show how in times of chronic suffering it is not too hard to want to give up, PLUS I wanted to show how in just 3 days of starting my health reversal in the start of the new year things did start to change, and what I thought just days before was the end, started to become a new beginning. Sometimes we need to just change our view of things and be open to the fact that the way we see things in the present is not the way it has to be tomorrow. Today I am 17 pounds heavier then I was in January, in fact I am 7 pounds heavier then I have been in about 6 years. I can actually look at myself in the mirror again and see the person that I knew I could always be.

Patience

2008-03-25T17:18:00.002-04:00

There is a reason they call people who are sick and have to deal with doctors or hospitals PATIENTS. Patients as far as it comes to sitting in a hospital are one thing I am an expert at, well most of the time, or sometimes. Actually patience is probably one of my biggest faults. I have no wise words to say about being patient or skills to help anyone achieve it. Patience is just not my thing. I have started many things over my life and never finished them and the reason was probably I didn’t have the patience to wait to see the outcome.
Today my goals are to gain 13 pounds to the 15 pounds that I have already gained back since January. I see it as a possibility only if I can control one thing, and that is my patience. Part of me wants to gain it all in one week, while the other part of me is feeling the pain of my Crohn’s disease acting up and saying, slow down and do it the right way. I have learned over the last 5 years one thing that I think can help me get the patience that I need, and that is make myself meditate twice a day. Finding the stillness of meditation is my reset button to keep on track. We’ll see how it goes…

Finding the right incentive

2008-03-22T10:23:00.004-04:00

I’ve been looking at personally using the power of finding the right incentive to help me reach my goals. Finding the perfect incentive can be like flicking a light switch on when it comes to creating change and transformation in my mind and body. When my daughter Lily was younger I felt how much she needed her dad around, and no matter how sick I got, I was able to pull it back together because of how much I thought she needed me. Once I find the incentive that is right for me, things that were too tough to accomplish the day before seem easy all of a sudden. The incentive I find might be different a day from now or a year from now, but letting myself be aware that I need this incentive to change and transform will help make things a lot easier for me.

Recently I was emailing my doctor and the medical director of the Chopra Center for Wellbeing Dr David Simon one of my health updates. He thinks I am ready to reach for a goal of what I weighed when I was a gymnast many years ago. This instantly seemed impossible to me, there is no way I could see myself at a weight I haven’t even thought about in over a decade. As our conversation continued Dr Simon helped me try to find what might be a good incentive for me. He offered the type of incentive I can only dream about one day, "being happy and in the light" was something that he thought could keep me moving forward, but it is just not the right incentive for me at this moment in time. I see different goals that I want to reach in life before I can think about being at that level of happiness. As our emails continued I asked Dr Simon if I reached the weight goal he suggests if he would consider helping me reach my goals. He said "yes," and like a flick of a light switch, the thought of reaching the impossible weight now seems like no big deal, patience is a whole other story... One day being happy and enjoying the spiritual light will be something I aim for, and thanks to Dr Simon I know it is something that will always be in my reach.

Awareness and Meditation to help control your health.

2008-03-11T08:47:00.001-04:00

I am reading Deepak Chopra’s new book and find myself reading more then one page sometimes before realizing I didn’t pay attention and catch a word I read. I’ve also done the same thing watching TV and even driving my car. Part of me is paying attention, but most of my awareness is somewhere else. Just about every part of my lessons in complimentary medicine and keeping control of my health has had to do with that word, awareness. Its been explained to me in many different ways but always seemed to come down to needing to be presently aware of what is going on and then making the choices that seem the best for myself. Meditation has been studied and proven to work amazing miracles on people, but no one has looked at the practice a person gets every time they meditate in awareness. After five years I still have trouble getting past 4 breathes in my meditation before my active mind starts to wonder off. Thanks to Deepak Chopra’s preaching that there is no wrong way to meditate, I never felt like I was doing something wrong, I learned to meditate no matter how things turned out. I work on becoming aware of when I start day dreaming and I bring my focus back to my meditation, then a few breathes later my minds wonders and I bring awareness back in, and do the same thing over and over again. If healing equals awareness and meditation equals practice of present moment awareness, then it only makes sense that meditation is a step we all need to take in gaining control of our health.

Meditations for Intention and Desire

2008-03-10T14:17:00.003-04:00

These are my two meditations for the Spiritual Law of Intention and Desire. One is a mantra meditation just for intention and the second meditation is a breath awareness meditation with a focus towards our intentions and desires.

Mantra Least Effort and Help with Lowering Blood Pressure

2008-03-08T14:49:00.006-05:00

Today is the Spiritual Law of Least Effort in my seven spiritual laws of healing. This is a mantra meditation, the activating intentions for least effort plus a meditation to help lower blood pressure.

Evening Meditation for Day of Karma

2008-03-07T22:14:00.002-05:00

In my seven spiritual laws of healing and the spiritual law of karma, I ended my evening with this healing meditation...

Present Moment Awareness and How to use the Neti Pot

2008-03-06T14:05:00.002-05:00

A Good First Night

2008-03-05T21:19:00.003-05:00

It turned out to be a real good day. As I am ending my first night of healing with the seven spiritual laws and the Law of Pure Potential. I do a special mantra meditation created just for today. "Om Bhavam Namah" or "I am absolute Existence." I hope you join in for this 8 minutes into the gap of all possibilities.

Meditation for Chronic Pain

2008-03-05T17:44:00.003-05:00

My day of Pure potential is going well so far where I have been getting a lot done. I do not want to start to lose weight again and have been nauseous since lunch, but I should be okay. This is a meditation that I like to do to help me get rid of pain I am in. It is something that anyone can try...

Back to health

2008-03-05T04:25:00.002-05:00

I know I can't keep going back out to California everytime my health starts to fail again, it makes about as much sense as going to the hospitals does for me. So I hope to use my training in The Seven Spiritual Laws of yoga in helping me get control now. First I am going to focus on Pure Potential and how I need to be able to sit and meditate again before even starting the next step...

Mantra Meditation for Least Effort

2008-03-03T09:59:00.001-05:00

Mantra Meditation For Giving and Receiving

2008-03-02T20:35:00.000-05:00

Pure Potential Mantra Meditation

2008-03-02T08:56:00.001-05:00

The Switching Point To Getting Our Health Back

2008-02-24T15:56:00.002-05:00

I had another one of those great moments of discovery recently. One that I hope will help me keep control of this freakin disease that changes how it attacks me as much as I change ways to control it. I am starting to become aware of a switch, like a light switch in my mind. This switch is the moment I decide enough is enough and I change my habits back to ones that will bring me health again. All last week I had this down swing in my health where it felt like I lost all my strength that I just worked so hard to build back up. I was starting to feel depression set in and my mind hit the point where I couldn’t sit and meditate for more then five minutes. Right there for whatever reason is the point where I flicked the switch. I got out my massage oil and gave myself an Ayurvedic abyanga massage with lots of oil so my dry skin can soak in the dosha balancing oil. Then I sat myself down for 30 minutes of meditation, the longest 30 minutes of my life. Meditation is much easier today and my health is back under control thanks to me being able to find the switch and flicking it.Last September my mom had heart surgery that had the side effects of taking her to the edge of death. She was dragging on suffering for a couple months when all of a sudden she found her switch. Something inside her become aware that she wasn’t ready to die and in just that flick of a switch, what was impossible the day before became possible. My mom is now stronger then she has been in years with a heck of a lot more energy then me.What is a switch and how do we find a way to change it when needed? It makes sense that the point of turning around is different for everybody. Some people keep so on top of any toxic build up in their mind or body that they may live a lifetime without any major health problems. Then I suppose there are also those who for whatever reason don’t even understand that they have a choice to flick a switch, and those people end up dead before their time. A switch back to wellness will be in a different place for everybody. In fact maybe the switch is nothing more then a point where we become presently aware of the fact that we can start to make new choices in our life. These new choices will be like a switch because our lives will change; there will instantly be new reactions to our new actions.

Poop and a Fight

2008-02-24T09:40:00.002-05:00

Now I am going to tell a story that is a little embarrassing to talk about, but I’m also proud about this fact. When I first got home from the Soul of Healing program in January of this year my health was changed around so much that I had one week of solid poops. Yes, after years of nothing but loose bowel movements because of the Crohn’s disease, I was given a sign when I needed it the most. I saw first hand that the impossible was possible. It didn’t last long, not more than a week after getting home I started to fall under some of my old habits and ways of doing things. I wasn’t eating the right way, my reaction to a lot of things was negative, and I quit meditating. But deep down I knew I had control over my disease now. If I am going to be strong enough to keep control is a whole other story. It is a day to day and sometimes minute to minute fight to keep my health, but it is a fight worth fighting:~)

Time and Pure Potential

2008-02-23T09:39:00.005-05:00

I catch myself at times asking why is it taking so long for me to gain more weight. I know I should be 10 pounds more, but seem stuck at my current weight, it seems like it is taking forever. Last night I was watching a TV show that I thought was really good and 30 minutes went by in what seemed a blink of an eye, while when I did my 30 minutes of meditation my mind was racing and the half of an hour seemed to take as long as it is taking to gain some weight, forever. Time is controlling our lives but time also seems meaningless. More people die of heart attacks on Monday Morning then any other time of the week. I was listening one day to Dr Deepak Chopra talk about a flighty bird that is building a new nest. As the bird flies around gathering twigs for the new nest, it might without reason just stop and eat a seed, or chase another bird that comes to close. The bird that seems so over active and flighty is actually living its life off of natural impulse. It still has its purpose of building a nest, and it will finish its goal of building it, but the bird has no time line or clock telling it when its time to quit and go do something else. In a way the bird is living a life of constant miracles or a life of pure potential. Now getting back to dealing with my pain of wanting to gain more weight right now. I think I better take a closer look at the bird building its nest. If all I focus on is my intention of being 10 pounds heavier while not looking at what is best for me, I will lose the power of pure potential and no miracles are going to happen. But if I stop thinking so much about time and my ending goal while putting my focus more on the present moment and what is best for right now, I’ll find more then just 10 pounds on my body at the end of this journey. The stress, the self judgment, and the defenses I build in my mind will go away, while my body gets what it wants and needs.

A dream for a new health care system.

2008-02-22T07:40:00.002-05:00

I think there are a lot of different reactions to Crohn’s disease. In fact I think there are as many different reactions to the disease as there are people with the disease. Modern medicine however treats crohn’s disease in one basic way. Not always the same medicine but pretty much the same kind of drug, an immunosuppressant drug to attack and lower the immune system throughout the entire body.
What would modern medicine do if they had to look at all illness on a person to person reaction to their health problem? Maybe that would be too tough of a job to look at everyone with a disease differently and then prescribe different actions for each person. What would happen if a medical doctor had to actually spend time getting to know a patient before deciding how to treat them? Medical school would change how they teach, hospitals would change how they take care of patients, and the sick would learn to make better sense of their health problems and treatments since it would be geared just for them. Imagine if a doctor sat you down and together you worked out a plan to get control of your health again. People would have no choice but to get more involved in what they do to heal and then would also have a better understanding how not to let themselves let the problem return.

Snow Days - Construction - And Our Choices

2008-02-20T10:06:00.001-05:00

They are proving scientifically that in the winter time people seem to not have as good health both physically and mentally, but I am not so sure about the thought of blaming winter or the shorter day. I was explaining to my daughter why they have school delays and cancellations here in Pittsburgh when we only get a little bit of snow or freezing weather, but in places like Vail Colorado they can get a foot or more of snow and school goes on just like normal. In Pittsburgh when we get the cold gloomy days of winter most people try and stay in as much as possible, but in Vail if they have a cold snowy day people don’t stay in, they go skiing. The kids, the teachers, the principal’s don’t keep inside on what most call a gloomy day. These are the best days of the year with fresh powder on the slopes and nothing but fun to be had. People are not getting sick in Vail during the winter time because of the gloom. They might be breaking a bone, but are not letting what most call SAD or seasonal (something) disorder… In Colorado the fun of the slopes is actually creating stronger immune systems. You see it has nothing to do with the weather but with our reaction to the weather.
I have had a construction crew out ide my home for over a month now and was really letting it get to me. I even found myself pulling into the garage a couple days ago screaming the F word because I wanted it to be over already. Later that day because my gas was turned off in my house the gas company workers came in to light my pilot lights in the basement. I asked the guy how much longer they would be working and his answer with a smile on his face was months, months and months. Almost instantly my response to him was, well now that I know it will be that long I don’t have to think about them being gone soon, and was actually glad to hear the news. I tell myself that they will be done by June and finish in April or May it will seem like a bonus to me. It all comes down again to how we choose to look at each situation. The greatest thing about being human is that we have a choice on how we react; we just have to be aware of it.

Latch hook and the Bible

2008-02-19T06:37:00.003-05:00

“The Dinosaur age was about 35-250 million years ago, and Ayurvedic Medicine started around 3000-5000 years ago.” Thinking of things happening thousands or millions of years ago makes me see how our lives can mean so little when we are looking at the timeline of life. I’ve been doing latch hook lately to help me calm my mind down when needed. When I am doing a new project I never see the whole picture, but just a small piece of yarn and 2 holes next to each other that I have to tie the yarn too. If I keep adding little pieces of information in the right way I soon start to see a beautiful picture appear from all the colors of yarn. I then look deep into only one piece of yarn at a time again and I lose the big picture where things become self-ish and small again. When I am done with my latch hook and step back I again see the picture, not just pieces of yarn. Now say I place the new picture I made on a wall and step back, I don’t just see a latch hook on a wall, but a whole room with all of its belongings included my latch hook. At this point the single piece of yarn that meant so much to me now seems meaningless in this big picture of the whole room. Let’s now say when I made my latch hook I decided to hurry things along and not put in pieces of yarn throughout the latch hook. I step back and see a picture, but it seems like something is missing. I then see the picture on the wall in a room and it just doesn’t look right. Just a couple little pieces of yarn missing and the big picture is not complete. Maybe our lives that seem to be just a little speck in the big picture really has a lot more power then we think. If we don’t live our lives to the fullest and most natural way of doing things, we will end up leaving an empty space in the timeline of existence, and that can make all the difference in the world. I don’t think there are an old testament and a new testament of the bible. I think there is a volume 1 and a volume 2 of the bible. We right now are living in volume 3 and we need to decide what part of volume 3 we want to be. All I know is I don’t want to be the missing piece of yarn.

Difference betwen change and transformation

2008-02-17T08:09:00.003-05:00

Vata equals movement and change, while the pitta in our body equals transformation. I remember Dr David Simon the medical director and co-founder of the Chopra Center for Wellbeing saying this to me in my training for recertification s as a Perfect Health instructor. I’ve heard the same thing a couple times before while I was patient, but this time something hit me. I realized I do not understand the difference between change and transformation, they seem like the same thing to me. That was a few years ago when I first heard him say that and I have always dwelled on it some hoping to understand it better one day. It was like me putting the question out there to the universe and knowing the answer would find its way home some day. After my last visit to the Chopra Center in January the answer popped in my head so clearly I laughed out loud wondering why I could not see this before. When I got on a plane and flew 3000 miles for help at the Chopra Center, I changed my location. My daily routine changed when I got to California, I had a new place to sleep and new people to talk to everyday. My Vata or movement was going through a lot of movement and change. I understand now why they say it is easy for a person’s vata to get out of balance when they travel a lot, there is nothing but movement and change which is all about vata. Now, when I first got to the Chopra Center and went through all this change I still was just 97 pounds, sick, and in pain, all that movement but my bad health was still the same, no transformation. It wasn’t until after a couple days when I noticed the pain was gone and I wasn’t going to the bathroom all day long anymore that I felt like my mind and body was going through a transformation. I could have traveled and changed everything about my life all I wanted, but until my health started to get better I saw no transformation or pitta. It is kind like that saying where you can run but you can’t hide. I can see that all the change in my life is not going to make a difference if I can not also let myself transform.

Chopra Center Massage Treatments For Healing

2008-02-16T20:24:00.004-05:00

When I was writing at the beginning of the year how The Chopra Center for Wellbeing turned my health around, I skipped a very important part of that process. There is no doubt that a big part of my health coming back so fast was due to the Ayurvedic massage treatments at The Chopra Center Spa. For me on this last visit my massage treatments were all about replenishing my body in the right way, while having to be careful of my health condition. I noticed on this last visit a difference in the spa staff that was different then the last five years of experience at The Chopra Center. I mean it was always excellent service but this time I noticed that everyone seemed to work in perfect harmony. They all seemed to communicate with each other on a day to day basis on what was going to be the best way to help me get my health back. The hardest part was exposing my fragile body to them; it was an embarrassment to let anyone see me the way I was. Not only did these young group of healers help me with dealing with my emotions, they helped me heal my body. The treatments were the highlight of my wellness journey.

Everything is always perfect:~)

2008-02-16T08:31:00.002-05:00

Wherever we are right now and whatever the health of our mind and body is right now has one fact that never changes. Everything is exactly the way it should be due to all the choices and experiences we have had in the past. Everything is perfect the way it is right now, even if it is being at the lowest point of our lives. Which makes me think of something else about that. It seems we seem to remember the best of times and the worst of times, but the truth is there is a hell of a lot more in between those two times that we have to live with. That would be like only thinking that your breath is right before you blow it out or right before you suck it in, and the rest doesn’t matter. If we can face that everything is exactly the way it should be at the present time, we can then realize that this is not the way it has to be an hour from now, a day from now, or five years down the road. Realizing this can let us see how what choice we make at this moment will have an affect on what our perfect will be like in the future.

Meditation Chopra Center Pure Potential

2008-02-15T14:39:00.003-05:00

A Few Minute Simple Meditation That Can Help You Learn To Find The Gap Of Pure Potential That We All Have Inside Ourselves.

Elightenment Burst, Least Effort and Detachment

2008-02-12T18:20:00.001-05:00

I thought I hit a point of enlightenment yesterday, I was sure I figured out the answer to me trying to control the Crohn’s disease and Epilepsy that I have. These last 5 years I have been focusing on controlling my diseases, those are even the words I used, I control my health. I have finally given up on that way of thinking and realize I can’t control diseases that have already done so much damage; they are not just going to go away like magic. You might be asking yourself now where the enlightenment was in that thought.
What hit me was since I can’t control the Crohn’s or Epilepsy I have, I can then focus on control over every action or choice I make, plus control the way I react. It is the actions and reactions of our choices that affect our health. That is the secret in one simple sentence. I even send this new thought off to Dr David Simon at the Chopra Center, I think just looking for his approval of this simple thought that came to me. Dr Simon managed to burst my bubble of enlightenment with just a few words. He said “It’s not simply a matter of mind over body, so don’t beat yourself up when the ride gets bumpy.” Here one of the top medical doctor’s in mind body medicine in the world was telling me it wasn’t a matter of my mind over my body. The man who taught me that if we change the information that makes up our energy, we will change our body is now telling me it is not all about our mind making the right choices. It first hit me in a way that I was wondering if he was telling me that I didn’t have the power I thought I had to keep my good health. Why would he tell me that? My ego and defense system was kicking in. Dr Simon knows me well and understands that I have a problem with acceptance to the what things are at the present moment, attachment to the way I want things to go, and if they don’t go right he has to be the one to hear me complain about it. He wants to let me know that as much as I think I can control what happens by my choices or reactions there will still be times when things will not go the way I picture it should go. That is when I have to practice the spiritual laws of least effort and detachment, and most of all just keep doing the best I can, I can’t ask myself anymore then that.

Getting Control of Your Health

2008-02-10T08:48:00.000-05:00

When people here about how sick I was and turned my health around without medication or more surgery I almost always asked this question. What was the most important thing I did to get my health back under control? I have the hardest time getting someone to understand that one item has nothing to do with controlling my health, but it is the whole group of items together that make it happen. I think it is like asking someone what is more important our heart, our lungs, or our brain? Without any of the three of those organs we are dead, so how can any of them be more important then the other organ. It is the same thing for me and my meditation, yoga, herbs, diet, and conscious choice making. All of those things are part of the circle of positive choices I make to keep my health under control. I do not know if they will work with helping someone else, but they work for me. Everyone needs to find their own circle of positive choices and realize that if at anytime we feel like something isn’t right, we can always change to a new positive action. That is why we need to be very careful of people and advertisements that tell us that we need to do this to get our health back, when that is just not true. When someone starts to exercise because they feel like they have too and they force themselves to exercise, and do not like doing what they are doing does not show the same good results as someone who enjoys taking the time to exercise their body. See how our thoughts control how our body reacts to things showing how our mind and body are connected. We have to learn to look deep down inside ourselves to find the best choices that will create our own circle of actions that will bring about pure potential.

Karma After My Headstand

2008-02-09T18:53:00.000-05:00

After doing 2 perfect practice headstands yesterday and then one that I recorded I started to get a little nervous about my neck hurting today. All I could think about after all those close falls was that maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. I kept thinking about Karma and how today I might have to pay for my silly actions with a reaction of a sore neck. The Spiritual Law of Karma says that we can have control over painful reactions if we only make conscious choices. The law of Karma says we should witness our choices and look for the feeling if it seems to be the best choice for yourself and those around you. Karma says to ask yourself what will be the consequences of your actions, but I should have or anyone should look at this before we make the actions. Now it seemed like I was screwed and the way my neck felt I knew there was a pay day. As all this was running through my head I also remember all the times I have changed my own karma with my health by suddenly changing my actions. By changing my actions I can control my Crohn’s disease when it starts to act up. I decided to then spend a good part of the rest of the day yesterday doing things that would replenish and refresh my neck. I rubbed in oil and gave my neck and shoulders massages through the day. I did lots of extra yoga stretching to help keep my neck from any extra trauma during the day. Today my neck is fine with no sign of stress at all. In fact I was able to change my karma so much from my reaction of being upside down that my neck hasn’t felt this good in awhile. Karma is not something that we have no control over; in fact it is the exact opposite. When our choices start to become more consciously made we can change the world:~)

The 7 Spiritual Laws of Success - on my head

2008-02-08T11:27:00.000-05:00

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success
On My Head!

Take One

Heath Ledger and a Doctor's Responsibility

2008-02-08T08:12:00.000-05:00

What I wrote today has to do with my frustration at the death of actor Heath Ledger who died of an accidental overdose of painkillers, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medication and other prescription drugs. He also had prescriptions to all of these medications. A cigarette company or a street corner drug dealer can be liable for someone who dies because of their actions. Even a bar can be liable if a person drinks too much at the bar and then dies later on, it is the bars fault for not cutting the person off. How can the doctors treating Mr. Ledger not have to face what they did to him?

I heard someone talking yesterday on how they had stomach aches and went to their doctor who gave them something to help with the stomach pain. When she got her medication she saw how the pharmacy’s now put papers with info on your prescriptions to explain what it is. The first thing she read was how her medication could cause stomach cramps. She thought isn’t that what I am taking the medicine for in the first place.
This makes about as much sense to me as if you went to an emergency room because you accidently cut your finger off and the doctor tells you he has to cut off a couple more before doing anything else. We look at drugs on how many percent of people it helps, but just shrug off the ones who had bad effects from the drug. If I take lomitil for my diarrhea it might help but always makes me feel like I am going to throw up. I can then get something for the nausea but am allergic to a lot of the medications and have bad reactions. I would then get Benadryl to help with the reactions and then become drowsy and want to sleep afterwards. I might then want to pump myself with caffeine and sugar to stay awake, which could cause the stomach aches again which starts the process all over. How is this medicine or even what we might think as making any sense? What if in the very fist place we looked at the stomach ache this person had and looked more at treating the cause of the stomach ache. Maybe it is food, stress, or disease that can all be treated at the root of the problem and not with symptom treatment medicine.

I got it under control again

2008-02-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

I've heard Dr Deepak Chopra say a couple times how the 3 most important things to do for good health is: meditate, meditate, meditate.
Some people will come up with different reasons why I was able to get myself under control again so fast. My running to the bathroom 8 -12 times a day has dropped right back down to 2-3 times for these last 3 days. I know the real reason why things got better so fast, it has to be this reason. For the last 5 years I have been keeping records of when my Crohn’s disease acts up and the one action that seems to be the thing to pull me back again is no doubt meditation for 30 minutes twice a day. When things just started up again I could not sit for 30 minutes in row, I lost some kind of a connection. 2 days ago I made myself sit 4 times for 30 minutes and a total of 2 hours of meditating. Yesterday I meditated for 30 minutes 3 times and have meditated once so far today. Somehow when I slow down my mind I also weaken any problems.

Pitta Dosha Imbalance

2008-02-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

Ayurveda looks at our mind and our body as being mixed with a combination of three dosha’s, vata, pitta, and kapha. Each one of us has our own combination in our body and mind that helps to make us the unique person that we are. It is when one of these dosha’s rise above our natural being that imbalance and illness start to happen. Pitta is based on all the transformation that is constantly going on in our body and mind. Pitta is the fire of transformation. We breathe oxygen in and it moves through our blood stream using the vata (movement) in our system, but when the oxygen becomes part of a skin cell, or a kidney it has transformed into something different then it was, that is the pitta working in us. When my daughter Lily was born I could fit her whole head and body in my hand and forearm, but now it might be more like her head and neck might fit in the same spot. Right before my eyes she uses the fire of transformation and is constantly amazing me.
If a person can not balance the pitta in their mind and/or body might find health problems like indigestion, arthritis inflammation, skin rashes, even cancer.An out of balance pitta mind might get angry and irritated easy, and look at problems in a way where others are doing things wrong and that is what is causing the problem. A person who already has a lot of pitta in their make up needs to pay attention to this the most of all. If someone is a good leader or good at taking charge of situations finds that they need to be involved and have a say in most things going on around them all the time is setting themselves up for the powerful heat that pitta will put in our bodies. A pitta type person needs to learn to balance life out by finding activities that are free of any expectations or judgments, things that might seem cooling like a walk in the woods, yoga class, and most important I believe is meditation twice a day. If a pitta person is always creating that change and leadership without the balance of letting it go they will find out too late that they have to chill out as the saying goes.

Sh-t Happens for a reason

2008-02-05T15:14:00.000-05:00

They say Shit happens for a reason, and after many years of study and experience, I have to say I believe that old saying. I think what happens is that a lot of times we lose awareness of this and we never find the reason that can make us grow further. Even someone who strongly believes that everything happens for a reason can never find the reason because they may forget to look for the reason and change when the reason comes along.

Here is a story I heard once about a very God loving man who was stuck in a major flood. He refused to leave because he knew God would save him, and when his neighbors tried to get him to leave his home, he stayed. Later the water was as high as his second floor and a boat came by to save him, but the man said he was staying because God would save him. Next the water was up to his roof and while he was standing on his roof a helicopter came by and tried to get him to climb aboard. The man would not budge sure that God would save him when next he found himself dead and face to face with God. The man asked God what happened, why didn't you save me from this disaster? God looked at the man and said "what do you mean, I tried to get your neighbors to warn you, I send a boat to help you, and then I brought a helicopter and you still would not take my help."

The Set Back

2008-02-05T09:14:00.000-05:00

It was a hell of a lot easier to write when was I getting better and better, but that is not the way things are going now. I am back to 8 or more time running to the bathroom, and have some of that tenderness back in my lower right abdominal area. I do know one thing for sure now that I had forgotten. If I can connect the right combination of mind, body, and spirit wellness, I will have my health back in less then two days. There is not one part of me that wants to give up because of this set back, but just the opposite. I am more determined now to find the right way for me to live, and like magic I’ll have perfect health:~)

Albert Einstein on Insanity

2008-01-31T13:58:00.000-05:00

"True insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

My Mom and Love

2008-01-31T06:42:00.000-05:00

My Mom had open heart surgery around last August/September where my Mom took a turn for the worst and lost all her energy and her will to survive any longer. She could barely stand up and move around. I watched for six weeks as we all kept trying to push my mom into doing what her body wasn’t ready to do at the time. After awhile I started to realize how all this pushing was causing a negative set back in my mom’s healing. I then became a witness of people yelling at my Mom to try harder, or talking about how bad off she is to her and rubbing it in that it was became easy to see how my Mom’s mind and body turned to giving up all hope. I then decided to start doing something different around my mom. I did not try to push her past what she wanted to do physically anymore and then I started to let her know more and more how much Lily and I love her and need her around. One time I even curled up in front of her like I did when I was little and just laid there for a little bit. For what ever reasons shortly after the love came pouring in my Mom started to get her health back. Now she is back to full health being in everyone’s business, worrying about everything that might happen, and wanting to give give give. I joke to myself what a pain she can be now that she is healthy again, but deep down I realize how lucky I am to have a mom like her, I try to thank God as much as possible that I got my Mommy back:~)

The Bad, The Good, and The Need For a Hug Pill

2008-01-30T14:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday started out in the dark morning when I was taking the dog out just after we both woke up. Shelly decided to go chasing after some deer as soon as I opened the door to the rainy cold morning. After chasing her down while we woke up a few neighbors I finally got the dog back in the house. I pretty much finished my day like I started it. When I took the dog out I decided to use a leash and as soon as I stepped in the yard I knew I stepped in smelly dog crap. Then right after that my stomach started acting up with a couple bouts of bad diarrhea right before bed. All in all it was a crappy day you could say.
Yesterday I getting Lily off to school and then I had a good 30 minute meditation followed by a good breakfast. I was able to work out more during the day with my back feeling much better then the day before. I ate a lot of food yesterday but was smart enough to get myself to stop eating by around 5pm. This way I was finally able to have a night sleep with out my stomach feeling so full all night long. All in all it was a real good day.
How can I have a crappy day and a real good day all on the same day? How is that possible? I think it all comes back down to attention and what I want to put my attention on. Whatever I put my attention on grows stronger, while whatever I take my attention away from diminishes. Everyday we all have bad things and good things happen to us, and it then becomes our choice on whether we have a good day or a bad day. I think that makes sense.

Now what is making my darn stomach act up again? It seems to happen every time I come home from the Chopra Center. I will go up to two weeks with almost normal bowel movements and then it will change again. I can only come up with one difference of what it is I get out in California that I do not find at home as much. When I am at the Chopra Center the day is full of true genuine smiles on almost everyone’s face. Hugs are given out freely to just about anyone you talk to for more then one minute. There are also the truly healing hands of their massage therapist. These are all things that I do not get when I come home. The idea I think that can work is if the Chopra Center could bottle up some of that true genuine love and put it in a bottle called a hug pill. If they can just bottle that up for me then I would have everything I need back here in Pittsburgh to stay well….
Actually since I might be waiting a long time for that pill to arrive, maybe I can use the power of being aware of those missing factors and put my attention on how do I find or replace those good positive feelings I find in California and bring them here. I need to change and take responsibility for what I decide to be my first step in finding my own hug pill. That is probably my best choice to keeping control of my health and my life…

My Aching Back and 2 Spiritual Laws

2008-01-28T18:57:00.000-05:00

I’m reminded of two of the Seven Spiritual Laws today with the way I am feeling. The first is the Spiritual Law of Karma. Karma says that for every action there is going to be a reaction, or each cause has an effect. People think because of this that we have no control over the results, but that is not true. The Law of Karma tells us to become conscious and aware of each choice we make. Stopping my destructive habits and changing to better habits changed my outcome in the last few weeks in amazing ways. Conscious choice making says that we should listen to our heart before making a decision and only if our heart tells us that it feels like the best choice for us and those around us should we make that choice. In the last week I started out getting back into doing push ups and bar dips for some strength training. On the first day I got through two sets of 4 push ups, and yesterday somehow decided I was ready to jump those eight push ups to over one hundred. Do you think the Karma of that choice is having its effect on me today? Oh, my aching back, forget the sore chest and arm muscles, I hurt my back somehow. I have to keep reminding myself I was just 97 pounds and very sick just 3 weeks ago. I don’t have to prove anything to anybody right now, especially myself. The second Spiritual Law I think of is the Law of Detachment. That word says it all, I need to practice detachment in my life and start to have a little more trust in the outcome. I need to let myself enjoy that I have my health back. That is the most important thing right now.

How The Snowflakes Got Me Back On Track

2008-01-27T08:19:00.000-05:00

This morning I have been running to the bathroom 4 times already with bad diarrhea. I haven’t had any of my Crohn’s disease pains, just running to the bathroom. It is a little tough to figure out why this is happenineg so I better take a look at what I might have done or not have done yesterday that set this mornings eruption off. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t get in 2 full 30 minute meditations, I seemed to fall asleep or get interrupted but I could have done better on my meditation. Yesterday I also forgot to take all my evening herbs that I have been taking, I forgot to take my flax seed oil, licorice root tea, turmeric root, and amalaki (an Ayurvedic herb.) Then in the evening I decided to eat a pint, yes a pint of cookies and cream ice cream, and a Cadbury large chocolate bar. Just to pack on an extra 1600 calories was my thinking. Do I now even have to ask myself why I was nauseous all night and then sitting on the toilet all morning?
Later on this morning I was taking the dog out and enjoying the big soft snowflakes coming down. I first decided to try and just follow one flake all the way down to the ground, and then thought I might be able to catch the same flake that I was following with my eyes. I could not catch one and decided to blame it on my blind eye and that I was only following the little flake with just one eye instead of two. I then tried to catch any flake on my arm, moving my arm all around trying to just make one flake land so I could look at it. All this effort and all this attention on one simple goal and I could not accomplish it. I finally stopped moving feeling a little frustrated when I looked down at my still arm. Wouldn’t you know that when all my hard worked stopped and I just let nature take its natural course, snowflakes started landing all over my arm. I was able to see picture perfect snowflakes and others that had different odd twist to them, but when all my effort stopped I got what I was looking for. Recently I’ve had people tell me that I am focusing too much on my weight and trying to warn me that I am losing touch with the whole picture of my wellness, but my ego wouldn’t listen to what they were saying, my defenses went up. Why do I consider myself back on track already? I believe it all comes down to awareness, I was able to become aware of yesterday and how I let my efforts fall from my meditation and herbs I am taking while I was putting most of my focus on gaining weight. Today I decided to take a lesson from the snowflakes. I can see that as long as things are working in balance, there is no need to focus on anything else right now but getting the most out of life.

Not being fooled when full...

2008-01-26T03:03:00.000-05:00

One of the newest feelings or sensations in my body is the sensation of being full after eating a meal where the food then simply digest and leaves my stomach and I then start to get hungry again. I found myself pretty much waiting to or expecting to get sick yesterday after pigging out on some home made vegetarian chili I made just after having two Hershey bars for a snack. For many years I ate in this fashion to survive. I would first overeat; then the food would just sit and sit in my stomach for hours until it would come back up. I figured some of the food had to be getting in me this way so I had to be getting some nutrition. No doubt that feeling of being full for hours mixed in with nausea is something that had become a natural habit with me. So just yesterday while sitting still after my huge meal I became aware of something new. I felt all this food in my stomach, but it was a different feeling then in the past. I felt full, but I already felt like things were digesting and moving out of my stomach. The feeling just kept going away until I hit the point where I wanted a whole milk and fruit smoothie. This sensation gave me a satisfied feeling in my stomach and I could feel the meal being digested. It is a whole new feeling in my body that I forgot existed; I need to eat with awareness so I don’t let myself be fooled by this wonderful feeling of being full.

Trying to buy a new scale

2008-01-24T17:36:00.001-05:00

I made it up to a store to finally get my own scale again. I was at bed bath and beyond trying to pick out a new scale. I wanted something simple but the 2 old fashion wheel spinning type scales I had in mind kept getting stuck in strange places. I stepped on the first digital scale which had me at 116.4 pounds, the next one was 121 pounds, then 118 pounds, and then one just kept showing me a backwards E. I hit the point of confusion along with thinking that all these scales seemed to be 5 to 10 pounds more then I think they should be. The weights seemed great to me but I did not believe them and there were so many different numbers for the same me. I ended up not buying any of scales not knowing which one to trust and just left the store. On the way home I did realize that I am wearing a heavy winter coat, and have my shoes on so maybe the numbers weren’t as wrong as I thought. I think next time I will go weigh myself on my parents scale and then go weigh myself on the scales again to see which ones match the one that I have been using. That seems to make the most sense, or I can just say screw it and go up to the store when ever I want get on a scale. I can have a selection of what my weight can be…

Recovery Time

2008-01-23T17:36:00.000-05:00

My Thoughts on my recovery speed

and how I need to handle it right now.

I have to keep meditating

2008-01-23T09:27:00.000-05:00

I did have to go to the bathroom already 3 times today but things were still much better then they were before. I will try and take a little more care today but still try to get in the calories I need to at least maintain the weight I am at for the day. ( I have gained 12 pounds in the 2 weeks) It is amazing how much less toilet paper a person uses when you don’t have bad diarrhea. I mean a tree of difference. I am still able to meditate for 30 minutes at least twice a day, but see a difference in how long the 30 minutes seem to take all of a sudden. Now even when I have a routine and no where to rush off to I find myself wanting to get up and start doing something else before I am done with my meditation. It has something to do with my mind getting over active again, and more then anything else. I think we have enough proof that over the last 5 years only one thing I quit doing always caused my health to fail, but my health always gets better when I got back on track with it, and that was my meditation practice. People here do not understand that, they want to hear about what herbs or medicines I might have been given, or what else was done to me for me to get my health back, not what simple things I did on my own to gain control again. It seems too easy for that kind of a transformation.

Today's Meditation has a group of my
favorite breathing exercises along with it.

Keeping in control of my calmness

2008-01-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

I was driving up to the grocery store when things got a little hectic with people in a hurry coming in all directions wanting to get to where they are going at a much faster pace then I was moving at. At first my mind started to catch up with them wanting to get competitive for a spot on the road or feel anger when someone cut me off. All my past 10 ten days of peace ended just like that in a matter of seconds. It was awareness of these feelings that brought me to the answer that was best for me. It was running and hiding from all this craziness, it all became about just keeping the peace inside me. I realized I didn’t have to rush and become part of the outside world in the way it wanted me to, but I could still be part of everything going on with me under control of how I reacted to everything around me. As the day went on and more things happened that I was so used to being the trigger towards negativity, I instead chose to keep a peace with in myself. It is like my meditation was this morning where I have the gas company outside my home with jack hammer’s and equipment tearing up my whole street and creating a mess. I could have easily let it bother me to the point where I decided I couldn’t meditate, or I could take the choice of putting my focus on the inner silence that I have and spend 30 minutes enjoying that and not even really noticing the noise outside. It goes back to the ancient Ayurvedic saying “what ever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life, and what ever you take your focus away from will start to dwindle away.”

This is a video I made that you can do along with me to see a new understanding of mantra meditation that I discovered a couple days ago. (learning to let it go)

Food Give Me More Food!

2008-01-21T21:21:00.000-05:00

I can picture the new healthy cells in my body sensing the fat calories I have been eating and just screaming out “yo, over here.” or “bring some of that fat right on over here.” For what ever reasons at this time my body is absorbing an incredible amount of food lately. I have not been nauseous or sick and in the last two days have only had one fairly normal poop each morning, (that is a change from 6-9 painful bouts per day just two weeks ago.) My diet has ranged from the good health food of an Ayurvedic Dahl and Rice to a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for dessert today… Yesterday we went to a brunch where I packed in the meal complete with strawberry mousse and a piece of cheesecake. I might be starting to push myself a little bit too much, but my body really keeps screaming for more. I’m going to take advantage of the good times and keep packing the calories in. Like I said, the cells in my body that were just hanging on at 97 pounds are screaming more food! Tomorrow I will Weigh myself to see how much I have gained so far.

Two weeks later - what am I doing!

2008-01-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

Just two weeks ago I was packing my bags with this terrible anxiety running through my body. I had no idea if I was doing the right thing and making the right choice to travel by myself when I had such little strength. I was nervous about this whole trip and deep down I was wondering what I would do if I did not get better while I was away. I knew I wasn’t going to let myself come home still sick or even sicker then I already was. It was just two weeks ago the all the information and the energy that was making up my mind and my body was not only down to 97 pounds, but it was also ready to give up on life. In just 14 days I have gone through a healing journey that has transformed me from 97 pounds with no energy to where I am now 107 pounds and full of energy and focused on gaining 15 more pounds back. In just two weeks I have transformed active Crohn’s disease, scar tissue narrowing, and all the constant pain that goes along with that down to zero problems as of right now. Meaning no pain, basically normal bowel movements only once or twice a day, and I am able to eat all the fat calories I want… WHAT DID I DO, WHAT CAUSED ALL THIS CHANGE, is going to be the big question.

I make sure I meditate when I wake up and before I go to bed for 30 minutes each time. Also through out the day when I become aware that I feel like I am to active to rest and take 10 minutes to sit in silence, I find time to sit for 5 to 10 minutes in silence. I need control of my active mind if I want control of my health.
I rub Ayurvedic aroma oil into my body each evening before I meditate. Mainly I focus both my feet and gently around my ears.
I drink licorice root tea and take an amalaki formula twice a day. Both of these are designed towards helping inflammation in my body.
I do some yoga and some strength exercises where I am building my endurance up a little bit more each day.
I am careful to get a big mix of all six of the flavors when eating. Sweet, sour, salty, bitter, astringent, and pungent are the flavors I try to blend in through out the day aiming for at least 1600 calories per day.
As long as I follow the items above I seem to be able to eat just about anything. I do follow the Ayurvedic rule of eating when my hunger level is at a 2 or 3 I eat, and I stop eating at a 7 or 8. Leaving enough room in my stomach for my digestion to work at its best.

That’s it; by changing to that group of activities during the day I am able to keep my healthy state of being. This is what I consider to me perfect health. It is perfect for me right now, tomorrow I would like to see perfect health being stronger for me, but that’s tomorrow, for now my health is just the way it should be, perfect.

One Important Question from Dr David Simon

2008-01-19T16:08:00.000-05:00

No matter how much I understand that I need to be very careful of what a medical doctor tells me, I am still under that power that I should do what the doctor orders. Isn’t that what we are told from the time we can understand anything. We need to do what the doctor orders, or whatever the doctor tells me is what will happen. Just six weeks ago I was in the hospital and basically told that I could not get my health back without powerful medications and/or my eighth surgery. I was ready to give up. I had figured 27 years of illness was enough and I just didn’t want surgery or medication, no matter what happened to me. Part of me gave up on the will to go on. Because of my parents love and support and our brain washing that I needed a real doctor to take care of me, I found myself at The Chopra Center for well being with an appointment to see Dr David Simon. This doctor’s appointment instead was different right off where instead of feeling rushed with the doctor, I was made to feel like I had all the time in the world. My doctor gave me herbs to help with my digestion and made sure that I got to a grocery store so I could start to get the right kind of calories in my body. Dr Simon also made sure I was going to get the right kind of Ayurvedic massages every day during my stay. These treatments are something so amazing I can’t even put them into words right now, but they were definitely a big part of speeding up my healing process... Six days later I had a follow-up doctor’s appointment, I needed to take time and assess how I was doing so far. I knew I got back to meditating twice a day, I was eating as much as I could with out throwing up all week, my 8 to 9 times of running to the bathroom was down to 2 to 3 times, and the most amazing thing of all, the pain from the scar tissue problem was gone, months of constant pain just gone. Asha, Dr Simon’s assistant checked my weight where I went from a sad 97 pounds all the way up to 102. It might not sound like much to you, but any word that I was not less than 100 pounds again was like a dream come true. Then I met Dr Simon with a hug and congratulations for gaining instead of losing more weight. We set a simple goal of just adding 2 pounds per week, and then all I remember from there is this one question. “Is there any part of you that does not want to get better,” and right away from somewhere inside me the word “No” came out of my mouth. I saw the look on my doctor’s face and he didn’t need to tell me the results of my health. Dr Simon’s face said it all, I knew right then that I had my health back and that everything was going to be just fine.

Day Before heading home

2008-01-17T09:59:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I must have eaten around 3000 calories, I seemed to be hungry all day long. I've been able to do that way before I got here but there are some differences now. One is that I only had two bowel movements yesterday. Still loose and painful, but I was having 8 or more painful bouts before I got here. For years running to the bathroom first thing in the morning was always a must for me. I need an empty bathroom in the morning, I've been known to go 4 or 5 times before most people wake up in the morning. This morning after eating all that food yesterday something different happened, I haven't had to go to the bathroom yet. Somehow all that food is absorbing in to my body. So far since I have been here I have gained 8 pounds back and have a plan to keep gaining. I would like to be back to my normal old weight of 120 pounds and now actually can see that happening.
I am looking forward to getting back home and seeing my daughter Lily, I miss her so much and I think she misses her daddy also. Something I haven't let myself do in many years when I travel is eat the day before I travel and the day I travel. I figure the less in me, the less that will come out, but I don't have that fear now. I plan a full day of eating today and eating tomorrow which for me is a sign of emotional freedom.

Nice Nasty Indifferent and Poor Me

2008-01-16T14:35:00.000-05:00

This is based off Dr Simon's talk today. There are 4 emotions or ways we react when our needs are not met. Nice, nasty, indifferent, and poor me are these 4 actions and I think mostly in that order. An example would be when my daughter Lily wants something when we are out somewhere it will almost always start out with her saying daddy can I please have that, or I’ll even pay for it myself. When I say no the reaction turns nasty with her saying something like you are so mean daddy, I hate you. When that doesn’t work she will turn to I’m never talking to you again which is indifferent. Finally when all that fails I hear I never get anything I want, no body cares about about me, or poor me. Nice nasty, indifferent and poor me are not all actions of a child. Pay attention to others and you will see it everywhere when our needs are not met.
Is there a point to understand these emotions? Well I think that once you become aware of this you don’t have to take it so personally. It just happens to be that someone has needs that are not being met and none of it has anything to do with you taking it personally. Does your child really hate you when they aren’t getting what they want, I don’t think so. When we become aware of these actions we can then learn how to not take anything negative that is said to us so personally. You can’t control how someone acts toward you, but you can control how you let it effect you. No one can make me feel anger or hatred by how they act to me, only I can let myself feel that way. If someone says I am beautiful and I don’t feel beautiful I can let myself feel anger or resentment from hearing I am beautiful, or I can take those words and feel more beautiful. That choice is up to me, I have a choice on how I react to everything that goes on in this world. I am in control of every situation and blaming someone else for making me feel a certain negative way is really just not true.

Teaching Yoga

2008-01-15T23:16:00.001-05:00

Tonight I had a real treat. The regular yoga teacher was not feeling well and they asked me if I would teach tonight’s class. At first I was a little nervous since I haven’t had the strength to teach or do any yoga for over a month now, but something inside me told me I would be okay. Just one week ago I barely had the strength to walk down a hallway here but now I am not feeling pain and have my energy back enough to teach a Chopra Center yoga class. It almost brings me to tears… Don’t think the word miracle because I don’t believe that. I’ve worked hard to get control of my health again and I am getting what I deserve from all the positive choices I have been making. NOW, I have to give most of the credit to this change in my life to my mom and my dad. If it was not for their support and positive words they have been giving me, I wouldn’t be here right now feeling the way I do. I would be at home sick in bed or in a hospital taking morphine for my pain. When I first got here there was a part of me that wasn’t even sure I wanted to get well. I was so sick of being sick for 27 years, and now I can’t believe I ever felt that way. There is no such thing as powerless in human beings, we have that unique ability to change and start to make the right choice that can turn any problem around. This is really cool:~)

A Spider opens a door

2008-01-15T08:21:00.000-05:00

There is an Ayurvedic saying that goes back thousands of years before the birth of Jesus that says very simply, what ever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life.
This morning while sitting on the toilet all of a sudden a spider dropped down in front of my face. My first reaction was fear and while sitting there I swatted at the spider and tried to kill it, but it was to fast and climbed back up towards the ceiling out of reach. While finishing up on the toilet I sat there staring at the spider realizing the only reason I wanted to kill it was fear from this little itty bitty thing. As I realized this my fear subsided and I left the spider in my bathroom to do what ever it had in mind in its on little world. Fear, loneliness, guilt, anger, hatred, and all those negative emotions in life that we feel also have negative reactions on our physical bodies science has learned. Our immune system lowers as blood rushes to our muscles and our digestive system stops doing its job. Our blood pressure shoots up and a whole slew of harmful chemicals get released in our body when we have these emotions. Sometimes this is good for us like when a car in front of us slams on its brakes and we need to react at super speed. Here is another example that happened to m while sitting here at 4am typing this My daughter text messaged me this morning that she was not feeling well and that my mom was fighting with her to go to school. As they are fighting the whole attention went to how Lily was feeling like she might throw up and her fear of going to the nurse. What do you think grew stronger while we went on about this subject? The answer was her sick feelings in her body and her fear. If we could have shifted her thoughts away to anything good, positive, happy or joyful Lily would have lost all contact with any sick feelings or fear. I know this because I have to deal with that myself everyday. What I put my attention on grows stronger in my life. If I put it towards those feelings of guilt and loneliness I only feel guiltier and lonelier. When I can shift my awareness away to thoughts that are just as real but are happy and positive, my ill feelings go away and I can function no matter what my health condition is. What you pick to focus on becomes your reality, and since everyone around you has their own different reality don’t expect them do understand. That is a big step in learning to take control of ones own life.

A Disgusting Story

2008-01-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

I would like to share a story with you that I heard today in the soul of healing course. It is a story that should be told to most of the doctors I have met so far in life. I can’t remember it word for word but this is basically it. There was once a man who wanted to be trained by a famous yogi and asked he asked him if he would train him. The yogi wasn’t sure the man was ready and asked the man to answer just one question first. The yogi wanted to know what the most disgusting thing there is in this world. The man knew he only had one chance and went to search for it. He first saw a drunk sitting in an alley and thought, oh that is disgusting, but then say he saw a massive obese person eating a big plate of food and thought how disgusting that was. He then went looking around more and saw other things that really grossed him out and then he had to go have a bowel movement, or take a poop. After he was done he looked down in the toilet and saw the crap floating there and said that has to be it. That is the most disgusting thing I have seen so far. Then the poop spoke up and said to the man, excuse me, but before I met you I was this fresh loaf of bread, vegetables and rice, now look at me after meeting a person like you. The man then realized what the answer was to the question. The most disgusting thing in the world is arrogance.

Guilt and Loneliness

2008-01-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it is best to not to try and figure out why things get better and change or better yet you can just write it off to the Spiritual law of Karma or cause and effect. This states that that every action I take has a reaction and as I make more and more healthy choices and make better actions toward my health, I will find the reaction or effect be better health. Two things that are much easier said then done for me, or at least for right now are dealing with loneliness and quilt. I know that if my daughter Lily was in all the same situations I was in I would do everything possible to help her, including spend every last penny I had if necessary. I understand that, but it does not stop me from the quilt that I put my parents and my brother through. I know they would do anything for me to help me out, and I realize I am blessed for that. I am 43 years old and my loved ones have watched me suffer with all these freakin health problems since I was 15. That doesn’t count the eye accident when I was 7 years old where I had my left eye poked out with a 12 foot bamboo pole thrown at me. How does someone pay back all the pain you have put the ones you love through. I don’t have an answer to that right now. The second toughest thing for me to deal with right now is loneliness, and here is my question. Is it fair to let someone fall in love with me knowing the pain I will put them through when I get sick? People always tell me that does not matter, but if I really love someone part of my love is to not let them suffer and feel pain. If someone loves me and I get sick they will feel the pain as much as I do, or a lot of even more then I do. How can that be right? It has been about 5 years since I let myself be loved by someone that is not family and there is no doubt that brings me loneliness. In fact pretty much every friend I had I pushed away from so they do not have to feel my pain at all. That sounds a lot like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I see it as the opposite. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. There is a look in the eyes of caring people that just can’t be described, but I see it as me causing pain to that person. It is not feeling sorry for myself as much as I don’t want to hurt anybody because of the situation I am in. I don’t have an answer to this right now either, but by finally releasing these deep feelings maybe I can take the first step in to finding the answers. Oh yeah, please don’t take this post as something to feel sorry for me about, look at it as though I am making a big step towards healing these problems.

How things are going so far

2008-01-12T08:38:00.000-05:00

I’m finding myself saying wow a lot these last couple days. Problems that were not supposed to be able to just go away are either gone or I can feel it getting better. In yesterdays massage treatment it was the first time in almost a year that someone could put pressure in my lower right abdominal area and I felt no pain and no feeling of disease in my body. Also, if you remember how important I said getting myself to sit and meditate for 3o minutes will be for me, well guess what, yesterday I sat in the meditation room for an hour. I can hear my mind and my body saying thank you to my soul for getting into the act and straightening things out, but my spirit inside is laughing and saying it was always here it is just that my mind wouldn’t slow down enough for me to listen.

Deepak Chopra and David Simon have Clones

2008-01-11T09:42:00.000-05:00

I've always said that there has to be clones of Drs Simon and Chopra. There is just no way they can do all they do. They write books, travel all over the world year round, teach their programs at the Chopra Center, meet patients, answer their emails from these patients and more... A couple days ago I heard someone say how Deepak Chopra was in Bihram (spelling probably wrong) but just hours later as I was going to meditation who do you think I run right in too. Yes, Dr Chopra himself. How could he be on another continent and be here in California? My only answer is I was right, there has to be clones of these men to get everything done that they can.
OK, I'm sure there was a real answer like Dr Chopra's plane just got in and he was here getting ready for his next trip but it was still a shock to run into him walking around. I played it cool too, I hate watching people act star stuck and it is just not in me to be that way, so as I walked by I just said a simple hello Dr Chopra, and I got a quick hello back, no more then that...

One thing that gets to me is hearing people say that the co-founders of the Chopra Center are in it only for the money. First of all they are two top specialist in the field of medicine and can make enough money that way if they chose too, but after 5 years I have witnessed over and over how it is love and care to other people that these men want to offer, the money is a side effect of that. They believe the world can and will be a better place to live in. Now they do have is a very good COO, David Greenspan. He knows how to help them make the money so they can do what they do best, help others. Next week I'll be spending 5 days with the 2 of them to get the help I need. I won't see money hungry men, but caring men who truly want to see me survive.

Sleep and Touch

2008-01-10T18:05:00.000-05:00

There has been medical studies on how important sleep is to any person. Your body finds time to heal itself during sleep. However, there has also been test on the importance of touch. Back in the 1970's a medical school did a test on feeding rabbits all fatty foods and things that would clog their arteries just like what happens to humans. All the rabbits showed the same signs of heart disease that we get except one group of animals. When they looked closer as to why this happened the medical school found out one of the student volunteers who was feeding the rabbits also took time to cuddle and pet the rabbits. These few bunnies had no signs of heart disease like the others in the test. Therefore medicine had to admit that touch did make a difference when it came to staying healthy.
Two things I am getting the most out here so far is sleep and lots of hugs and massage treatments. So if you asked me if I feel better since I got here, the answer is no doubt Yes!
The bad news, I can't lie to you and say it is all good news, the bad news is that my body dosen't absorb fat and the calories I am taking in so well which is causing nausea and running to the bathroom. Huh, I wonder if that is why they call it the runs:~)
Remember it is only day 3 out here so far, I have a lot of confidence that I can turn my health around at this point...

Days Confused and Listening to my Soul

2008-01-10T09:56:00.000-05:00

I was so sure when I woke up that it was Friday, but after awhile I figured out I was wrong. It is the feeling of gaining an extra day in my life.
WHAT am I learning so far? I think the main thing so far is that it is time to quit thinking about past bad experiences with my Crohn's disease or what might happen in the future, but to let myself finally put some trust back in the present moment. If I listen to my body and what it needs right now, I am starting to find healing much easier.
So far this morning I even had a little strength to do some yoga, very little but my body wanted it so I gave it to my body. I think that is called listening to your soul for the answers. The final result might not be what my mind wants to see, but trust in my soul will bring back to control of my health. Wow, that is even a little deep for me:~)

Dr Simon Appointmentand massage

2008-01-09T20:21:00.000-05:00

Today was a much better day then yesterday. Well, I did weigh only 97 pounds, I am officially a 97 pound weekend. Dr Simon is helping me gain 15 pounds before I go home, if I can get 1600 calories in me a day. He even had someone take some time off work to take me to an organic grocery store to load up on certain foods. (I need fat in me)
I was also given doctors orders to stay away from the computer for a couple days and concentrate on my health. I had a 70 minute Ayurvedic massage which was incredible, and I made it through a 30 minute of meditation. I was also given doctors orders not to miss any of the meditations while I am here. I can't say enough how important meditation is going to be in me gaining my health back!

Sitting by the pool

2008-01-08T20:35:00.000-05:00

I was walking around today trying to get some strength. My biggest problem right now is I get get myself to eat that much food. My weight today with my sweatshirt on was 102 pounds. That is hard to accept, but I don't really have a choice.

My Room and the Robes at La Costa

2008-01-08T15:47:00.000-05:00

Okay I can add video's now, it just takes awhile!

The robe story at La Costa

I made it here!

2008-01-08T15:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a long ass day. I finally made it to La Costa Resort at around 9:30 pm which is 12:30 am at home. The whole time traveling I had the same feeling of going through withdrawl from narcotics when I come out of the hospital, but it ended when I got into my room. I had trouble sleeping, but found myself just glad to be in a bed. This morning I went to the Chopra Center and found a nice chair in their library to relax. Witin a few minutes someone came in and brought me tea and a blanket because I looked cold. I never met this person before, but she decided to help me out, and I am thankful. After that I felt like crying because it just felt so good to be here. I did miss meditation this morning but spend and hour sitting in the library curled in a chair thinking about what to do next for my wellness.
BTW - My internet connection is bad and I can not add my videos yet.

Last Post Until I get to California

2008-01-06T10:48:00.000-05:00

Sunday is the day for Pure Potential

I was supposed to go to the Chopra Center at the start of December when my parents and I decided I was to weak to travel and I went into the hospital instead. There was not much that could be done for me at the hospital so I then decided to find the strength to go back to The Chopra Center. Two more times I changed my plans and now once again have a departure date. Finally I feel like I am ready to go and see what can be done for me. The anxiety I was feeling before has turned into more of an excitement. I know it will be a long day of travel, but I do truly believe it will all be worth it. I want to be able to come home and feel like taking Lily skiing, and then actually take her skiing. That would be pure potential to me...

Today's Event is Upside down

2008-01-05T16:43:00.001-05:00

I just want to do at least one different thing everyday. Today I was able to meditate for 30 minutes, give myself an oil massage (great this time of year,) and I found myself upside down by the fireplace...

This is not part of the regular Ayurvedic Program:~)

1-4-2007 My Health Now

2008-01-05T15:48:00.000-05:00

The Before images that I hope
will be much improved in 20 days.

2 Days Before Leaving For California

A little more feeling sorry for myself...

2008-01-05T04:15:00.000-05:00

I added the picture of me to the blog that I am not sure I can handle. I want to be 20 pounds heavier then that picture. I had a little bit of the “what ifs” today. Like what if the 18th of January rolls around and I am not doing better. I am not going to come home and just be sick at home and will not go to a hospital, so what happens if…. I guess I don’t have to have an answer to that one right now. BTW when the snow melts off the trampoline I will show you some real flips. Healthy videos might be a little easier when I hit Southern California. All I can say is I turned things around before and have seen so many people control terrible illness that I know there is no reason why I can’t find the proper balance once again. I’ll leave my question for my new doctors David Simon and Deepak Chopra.

THE TRAMPOLINE AND A FLIP

2008-01-04T09:02:00.000-05:00

I promised one video of me doing something healthy
and stimulating every day. The Goal today is some kind of a flip!

I wasn't thinking about the snow when I made this my goal:~)

An action for getting me going in the right direction

2008-01-03T17:52:00.000-05:00

This is an idea I have that I want to add to my list of things
to do that will help me reverse the disease in my body right now.

Acceptance

2008-01-03T16:18:00.000-05:00

The more I start to accept the way my health is right now, the more I can start to do the right things in getting my health back. These last couple of days has been better with me moving around a lot more then usual. However, I do get really worn out by mid-afternoon and try to get a nap if possible. I don’t like the idea of putting this in print but my weight is down to about 105 pounds. I was probably around 11 years old when I was last this weight. I have a goal of gaining around 10 pounds while I am at the Chopra Center and I should be able to get back to around the 120-125 pounds that I was most of my life, but then again maybe I am just too attached to wanting to be that weight again, I am missing a few feet of intestine now... I’m started to get packed and pretty excited about leaving in just a few days. I read in one of my past journal entries of how just getting into my hotel room and on the grounds of La Costa resort can make me feel a lot better, I really can't wait.

4am nonsense on Intention and Detachment:~)

2008-01-03T04:26:00.000-05:00

Can't sleep in the middle of the night;
What else but video my nonsense to the world...

Intention needs Detachment

Understanding Dr Simon's Advice - 5 years late!

2008-01-01T16:34:00.000-05:00

As much as I talk about being in the present moment, the Seven Spiritual Laws also will not let us forget about our Intentions and Desires, which is the 6th spiritual law in my yoga practice. There is a saying that goes something like this. If you want to get something more in your life, put more attention towards it, and if you want to get something out of your life withdrawal your attention from it.
With the pain I am in and the scar tissue and active Crohn’s problem right now, it seems that I need to put my focus on certain areas of my body that I want healed. Especially when dealing with pain, the more I can zoom in on the spot of pain, the more I can release the pain that is in me. On the other hand the active disease and other problems I am dealing with are things that I also want to get out of my life and the Law of Intention would tell me to withdrawal my focus from all this things that I have been focusing so much on. In my past doctors appointments with Dr Simon he has always told me that I put too much focus on my health problems. At first it was with my Crohn’s disease where he would tell me to quit thinking so much about the problems I am having but focus more on the good choices I can make that will bring my mind, my body, and my spirit back into a balance. According to Ayurveda this is a balance that is unique to me and my mind-body type or my Dosha. After my Crohn’s got under control I started to put my focus on my seizures and spend way to much time trying to figure out how I could stop taking my medication. Still today if I let my dilantin level get too low I will have a grand mal seizure in my sleep and wake up in the emergency room or twice I even woke up in the intensive care unit. That is a whole other story on practicing Dr. Simon’s Commitment to Acceptance for the way things are right now.
Where is all this leading me to? I am discovering that as I go along here that there is no catch 22 like I thought at first. At this moment I can see myself putting a lot of attention on my problems, but very little on actually doing the right choices to get me headed in the right direction. So far up to this date this blog has been full of information on what is wrong with my health now, what was wrong with my health in the past and what I should be doing in the future. Very little I have said has had to do with what actions I am accomplishing to bring my Dosha back into balance. What I thought were the things I needed to put my attention and intention on is really the stuff I should not focus on. I need to start to focus on making and accomplishing the right choices for me, right now. It took me almost 5 years to understand what Dr Simon kept telling me, but I think I finally get it and am willing to start. Sounds like a good time to go to some yoga.

Present Moment Awarenss and New Year's

2007-12-31T16:00:00.000-05:00

There is no better time of the year to let yourself change your direction in life then December 31. It is a day that we want to shed the pain of the past, and then promise ourselves a renewal in the year to come.
I have learned over the past 5 years when it comes to changing my health that the most important thing I need to do remember to do is practice present moment awareness. We don’t let ourselves enjoy the present moment near as much as we should, and we certainly don’t make decisions in the present moment like we should. We might find ourselves acting on something with stress or anger and not even realize we had a choice not to let it bother us. The more we are aware of all our choices, the more we also get to decide what is the best choice is for not just me, but also those around me. That is the basics of The Spiritual Law of Karma or (cause and effect)

Lily Home

2007-12-30T20:38:00.001-05:00

Just having Lily back home after a week at her mom's has turned my health around for the better. I missed her and I think the responsibility of being okay and happy around her actually helps to make me okay and happy. Strange how that works...

12-30 New Plans

2007-12-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

Morning and new plans on a date to leave
for The Chopra Center.

12-29-2007 - Taking Responsibility

2007-12-29T08:23:00.000-05:00

I want to so much do nothing to try and help myself right now and just wait until I get to The Chopra Center to try and turn things around. I was supposed to go there a month ago but we decided I was too sick and weak to go. Today the only difference is I am a month sicker and weaker but I now know there is nothing the hospitals will do for me. That brings up a new power within me, one that says do something now. I went to the grocery store this morning and got some good nutrition for me for the next few days. Like I said before I am getting nervous but also excited about leaving, it is best for me to really practice present moment awareness now.

About Yesterday

2007-12-29T04:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday seemed like a waste of time to me with doing nothing but mostly sleeping, going to the bathroom, and being in pain. I don't have anything more to say about it.

I do know I better start doing a better job accepting where I am at right now, and doing a better job at taking responsibility for it. I do not need to wait until I get to the Chopra Center to start some of this stuff. Today is going to be about taking better responsibilty for dealing with the situation I am in right now.

Reading The Ten Commitments

2007-12-28T07:16:00.000-05:00

This is just a little more practice blogging for when I get to California next Wednesday.
I am reading what each of the Ten Commitments are from Dr David Simon's book:

12-28-2007 PAIN

2007-12-28T04:05:00.000-05:00

I'm glad my daughter Lily is not here tonight as I found myself screaming in pain a little bit ago. It is now a little after 4am. I do not know why my gut shuts down in the middle of the night. If I thought there was anything they could do for me at the hospital I would go, but all they do is give me pain med. Pain meds also slow your digestion down to almost a halt. So, if I get pain medication I am also adding to the problem of my gut not working. Let's see how the day goes....

This is a picture of me with my old dog Sunny when we were in Colorado.
We are at the top of the Continental Divide here.